US Law Enforcement to Change Rules of the Road
We've all been behind, trying to get to work, or late for that new Fifty Shades of Gray movie because some dickmouth in a beat up old Chevy Impala with rusted out fenders in front of us just wouldn't fucking “GO!!!” More and more traffic stoppages are occurring nationwide because the elderly behind the wheel are traveling 15 goddamned miles and hour under the speed limit, or that shitbird three cars ahead of you is sitting obliviously at a green light because they're texting “lol #YOLO” to their baby daddy. Because of the state of traffic in the US, law enforcement representatives from all over the States have convened to draw up a new plan of attack for tackling the sorry state of affairs our transit system has become.
“We're excited to introduce some of these new technologies and law enforcement systems to the public. Gone are the days where 'playing it safe' by driving too slow to avoid police engagement was encouraged. If you're hindering the flow of traffic in any way, we're going to bust you. People going the speed limit, or above, are now going to be considered a boon on the road,” says Wilfred Burnside, Commandant of the West Bend Police Force, Washington County, Wisconsin. “West Bend will be our test bed, and we've already got some of these new systems in place.”
The new systems already in place in the growing suburbs of West Bend include:
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- Anyone in the right lane at a stop light that is going straight will be pulled over, ticketed, and kicked squarely in the testicles or punched in the breasts.
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- Simply applying your brakes when traveling through a green-lit intersection will earn you a demerit. If you earn five (5) demerits, you will be pulled over and the responding officer will have full authority to remove one finger (or toe, in lieu of all fingers already missing).
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- Drivers on the interstates will be punished for staggering traffic through all lanes that would make it difficult for people with actual agendas and desire to get places in a meaningful amount of time by throwing their cars off the road and into a ditch by way of large hydraulically actuated plowing shovels in the median.
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- Driving below the speed limit will be punishable by imprisonment: one year in a federal “pound me in the ass” prison for every mile per hour under the limit you were driving.
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- Anyone not propelling their vehicle forward after 1.3 second of a light changing from red to green will be shot in the head by automated weapon turrets, and their car will be flung, via hydraulic pressure activated springboards, into a repository for scrap metal and human bodies.
“We believe these new laws and systems will serve as a deterrence to slow-asses out there and keep the flow of traffic going. We know it's frustrating for people who actually have destinations they'd like to reach to be stuck in traffic, and we believe these new proposed laws will ultimately make such traffic disappear and make the roads a safer place to be.” Burnside said.
In other news:
A hot spring in Yellowstone National Park is set to stand trial for murder, after killing a young man who stumbled into it while disregarding posted boardwalk warnings. The hot spring, who has also been charged with assault for burning the arm of a young woman earlier this year, faces life in prison should it be found guilty. The trial begins next Tuesday.
