Debate Sparked Over Death of Zoo Gorilla
Cincinnati, OH – Arguments between PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and the Cincinnati Zoo directorship are in full swing after the killing of an exhibit gorilla this weekend. It began with an asshole 3 year old screwing around while his inattentive parents completely ignored his horsing around an imminent fall into the zoo's ape habitat. Harambe, a western lowland gorilla, came to the boy's aid, lifting him out of the water, dusting him off, and even pulling up the idiot's sagging pants.
However, fucktardery ensued when onlookers, which didn't yet include the dumbass boy's parents, began to scream in horror at the scene below. Harambe, frightened and confused, began to drag the boy around by his feet, thinking him inferior and possibly defective, and eventually proceeded to steal the boy's lunch money. The horrified crowd continued to let out exasperated cries as the 400 pound gorilla tricked the boy by pointing at a spot on his shirt, then swiping his finger up and against the boy's nose when the boy looked down.
The scene ended abruptly when a zookeeper with a high powered hunting rifle took a lethal shot at the gorilla, stopping it cold as it gave the boy a noogie.
Zoo director Thayne Maynard, who was proudly wearing the ape's pelt for a cloak as a means to strike fear into the hearts of would-be vigilante apes at press time, had this to say: “When we realized Harambe wouldn't leave the child alone, we had to act with lethal measures. Attempts to tranquilize the gorilla would only further upset him and probably made him give the boy a wedgie or swirly.”
PETA spokesperson Melanie Dewbre countered this argument. “Since when is the pride of one idiot, probably inbred, boy with likely too many chromosomes more concerning than the life of a majestic, critically endangered species of primate?”
PETA is already filing lawsuits against the zoo under the Endangered Species Act, and has called witnesses to be counted as accomplices in the murder of Harambe. The 3 year old boy, whose parents have refused to release his information to the press, was totally not injured or anything, save for his dignity. His lunch money has been donated to buy a book of matches to burn the remains of his assailant.
