Finland Introduces Sauna at New BK Lounge, Competition Scrambles to One-Up
Helsinki, Finland – In an ever-growing trend of “nude food,” proprietors of a Burger King in Helsinki collaborated with celebrity designer Tuero Loman and opened a resort spa within their restaurant. The once tiny Mannerheimintie branch of the American fast food “king” opened their doors to the new Burger & Spa King this Tuesday. Owner Ootys Vahghinghag was delighted to report that you could now eat your Whopper and enjoy any one of the various spa activities they offered, like sweating to Ellie Gouldling in the sauna.
The spa contains many recognizable activities such as mud baths, facials, manicures, and pedicures. One excited spa-goer, Floor Kyvarkigahg, had this to say: “We got to try out the new attractions a week early! I got to relax in a comfy chair and get a pedicure while sipping on large Coca-Cola! Some foot fungus accidently made it into my fries; they’ve never tasted better!”
Another Finnish foodie, Flargin Bjornsson, stated, “Where else can you get a flame-broiled, king sized burger and eat it with wilting, humidity-soaked French fries while playing Grand Theft Auto V naked in front of seven or eight overweight men who haven’t seen their own genitals in 16 years? Fucking BK Lounge!”
This isn’t the first innovative way to enjoy once-mundane activities. All over Europe, people are coming up with creative ways to do every day activities. London opened its very first “Naked Dining Experience,
a restaurant called Bunyadi, which hosts a staff of 60 fully nude hosts/hostesses, waiters/waitresses, dishwashers, and chefs. It has an enormous waitlist already, with a staggering 37,000 people hoping to dine in the buff. A McDonald’s in Kaiserslautern, Germany offers in-house liposuction. The staff recycles waste siphoned from their customers’ fat asses and uses it in the fryers.
Even weddings are getting bold new treatment. Sarah Haywood, renowned U.K. based wedding planner, is jumping the trending bandwagon by booking exotic locations for weddings. She’s already booked one wedding in the trenches of an old World War I battleground and one wedding in the Bermuda Triangle. More excitingly, she’s booked at least four weddings in the Seventh Circle of Hell, where you can dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight, while dodging vicious attacks from bloodthirsty, savage demons who want nothing more than to eviscerate you and feast on your entrails. It’s the perfect destination wedding for thrill seekers.
In other news…
Much to the dismay of not-actual-fans worldwide, recently missing, and completely unimportant, Irish-born pop singer/songwriter Sinead O’Connor was found totally not dead or anything. The manhunt for the artist was called off after just one day when she was, unfortunately, discovered alive and well.