Radical Islamist Militants Execute Canadian. Not Sorry.
Former Canadian Parliament member John Risdel was executed Sunday by the Islamist Militant group Abu Sayyaf, operating out of the Philippines. Risdel, a reporter for the Calgary Herald, was one of several foreign dignitaries captured between September of last year and this April. Among the nationals captured are Robert Hall, Marites Flor, and a Ronald McDonald impersonator.
When questioned about the execution, Abu Sayyaf leadership declined to give an official statement, claiming only that Risdel was overly apologetic and often spoke of “a boot.” They also stated that he was always giving other detainees his water and food rations or cheering them up by singing and dancing in his denim tuxedo.
By Sunday morning, his captors were so fed up with his gross displays of selflessness, generosity, and overt kindness that they called for an “emergency execution.” Ten minutes later, Risdel was beheaded. Other captors noted that the blood spray from John’s neck cavity spelled out the words “sorry, eh.”
Current Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, tweeted: “We are outraged by the cold-blooded murder of John Risdel by the hands of terrorists.” He went on to call for an all-night candlelight vigil in his honor. Thousands of citizens gathered outside of the Parliament building and Calgary Herald HQ to sing songs and weep incessantly over the death of their countryman. When the vigil ended, the crowd apologized in unison for the noise they made so late at night.
And in other news:
David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, co-creators of the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones,” have been reported missing since the exclusive showing of the season six premiere of their show. President Barack Obama, for whom the premiere was screened, was said to have been disappointed by the most recent episode, and was overheard whispering something to Michelle about “sending those fuckers to Gitmo if they don’t bring back Jon Snow.” The next episode airs next Sunday, May 1st.
