When I first joined this site, I was young, more attractive, and still remembered what a vagina looked like up close. I also wrote a lot. Any story I wanted to tell, or anything I thought was funny, I'd post it here. And I was actually kind of popular. The format was different and there were more people my age, but I wrote a lot of funny shit. I've since deleted most of the stuff from between now and then, but I've slowly repost some of it.
Today I decided I needed to start writing again. One of my favorite things to do was once a week, I'd write a news article (some of which I've since re-posted here) in the vain of The Onion, a purely satire news site. When I saw some of the headlines this morning, that old familiar urge came to me once again, and I felt inspired to write. So I hope you enjoy the triumphant return of my News in Brief. Expect it at least once a week, and please, please, please give me feedback (any kind -- tell me it's awesome, tell me I'm a moron).
Utah Bans Pornography, Isolates Self Within Borders
The wholesome, Mormon-rich state of Utah and governor Gary R. Herbert have not only banned all pornographic material, deeming it a Public Health Crisis, but they’ve closed off their borders to neighboring states to keep any and all sexualized materials out. Already, checkpoints have been established to ebb the flow of items highlighted in S.C.R. 9 as “sexualized.” Traffickers are quickly being brought to justice by incarceration in specialized holding cells. The freshly minted perps are forced, with their eyes wired open, to watch shows rich with family values, like The Andy Griffith Show and Little House on the Prairie.
The movement, and eventual ban, against porn was spurred on by the UCAP (Utah Coalition Against Pornography) in 2015 and backed by state senator Todd Weiler, who compared the addiction to pornography to that of tobacco. UCAP, which is chiefly comprised of overweight ignored housewives who are sick of their husbands getting up in the middle of the night to spank it to anal fisting videos, lauded the new bill as a victory, and as a means to keep their husbands, boyfriends, and hypersexualized prepubescent boys under the thumb.
Not everyone is as excited about the ban. Said single, friendless virgin Omid Sarkisian, “My single reprieve from this cruel existence was the time I spent online with my webcam lady friend, Mistress Payne, an anorexic, transvestite dominatrix. Now when I tune into her webcast, I’m immediately re-directed to old episodes of Howdy Doody. There aren’t even any ball gags, gimp suits, or broken glass-shard covered dildos in that show.”
Even sexualized SMS text messages, or “sexts”, are being hijacked and delivered in a non-sexual way.
“I sent a text message to my boyfriend telling him I wanted him to come over and ‘eat my pussy.’ It instead sent as ‘come over and eat my cat.’ He immediately dumped me and called me a racist because he’s Korean!” said overwrought systems analyst, Karen Farmer.
The new policies in Utah have only been in effect for two months and are expected to last through the inevitable apocalypse; residents of Utah are expected to triumph over the evil of the rest of the world empowered their unbridled wholesomeness.
