Well that was fucked up.
Its been a fucked up 24 hours. Almost immediately after posting last night it was if my medication had worn off. Everything felt wrong and I couldn't concentrate and I couldn't enjoy anything and fell into despair. Instead of staying up until three drinking, flirting online and watching TV I went to bed before 11:00 and curled up into the fetus position ignoring text messages, cats and even Morrissey.
I woke up feeling similar and scared shitless at the the thought of grocery shopping. The fact that I had been scarfing my pills according to schedule and that they'd been working wonderfully made everything even more terrifying and overwhelmed me with thoughts of how I was doomed, completely fucked and screwed over.
I think yesterday's pill was a dud or something because, thank god, after a few hours of today's pill I regained the ability to speak and eat. I can't believe I survived so many months unmedicated let alone managed to function on a basic level and even enjoy myself sometimes.
Now I'm feeling fantabulous again because even my shitty life is delightful when my mind isn't completely consumed with an all-encompassing despair with intermittent bursts of complete panic.
So I can tell you about the neat things that happened today. Like on the way to the supermarket the flock of wild turkeys down the street had the road completely blocked. My mother decided to stop and talk to them and coerce me to kill one with my barehands for Christmas. I told her I'd do it but I need a net, a baseball bat and a couple drinks. At the very least I'd need gloves (ha! I typed 'drugs' instead of gloves by mistake). God knows what diseases they carry and I can only imagine if I jump one the rest will fucking charge me.
... I forget what else was neat about today. I've been drinking
Tomorrow I actually go duck and deer hunting for the first time. Its kind of a family-forced holiday thing. Yeehah. I can't think of a better time to spend a day in the woods than the dead of fucking winter. Oh Jesus... I'm going to have a loaded gun in my hands all day, that should be interesting
Actually the thought of holding a gun for the most of the day makes me extremely uncomfortable.
getting up @ the foul hour of 8:00AM I fully realized I didn't want to drink beer, traipsing in the woods in the dead of winter for eight hours, not for the chance of a pretty skelington and some vennisen, not for a dozen pretty skeleingtons and some vennisen. Especially since as I started going through the motions of getting ready I realized my wardrobe is in no condition to go hunting. I'll go next time when its not 38 degrees and I have something better to wear than sneakers and blue jeans. I'm going back to bed now
Its been a fucked up 24 hours. Almost immediately after posting last night it was if my medication had worn off. Everything felt wrong and I couldn't concentrate and I couldn't enjoy anything and fell into despair. Instead of staying up until three drinking, flirting online and watching TV I went to bed before 11:00 and curled up into the fetus position ignoring text messages, cats and even Morrissey.
I woke up feeling similar and scared shitless at the the thought of grocery shopping. The fact that I had been scarfing my pills according to schedule and that they'd been working wonderfully made everything even more terrifying and overwhelmed me with thoughts of how I was doomed, completely fucked and screwed over.
I think yesterday's pill was a dud or something because, thank god, after a few hours of today's pill I regained the ability to speak and eat. I can't believe I survived so many months unmedicated let alone managed to function on a basic level and even enjoy myself sometimes.
Now I'm feeling fantabulous again because even my shitty life is delightful when my mind isn't completely consumed with an all-encompassing despair with intermittent bursts of complete panic.
So I can tell you about the neat things that happened today. Like on the way to the supermarket the flock of wild turkeys down the street had the road completely blocked. My mother decided to stop and talk to them and coerce me to kill one with my barehands for Christmas. I told her I'd do it but I need a net, a baseball bat and a couple drinks. At the very least I'd need gloves (ha! I typed 'drugs' instead of gloves by mistake). God knows what diseases they carry and I can only imagine if I jump one the rest will fucking charge me.
... I forget what else was neat about today. I've been drinking
Tomorrow I actually go duck and deer hunting for the first time. Its kind of a family-forced holiday thing. Yeehah. I can't think of a better time to spend a day in the woods than the dead of fucking winter. Oh Jesus... I'm going to have a loaded gun in my hands all day, that should be interesting
Actually the thought of holding a gun for the most of the day makes me extremely uncomfortable.
getting up @ the foul hour of 8:00AM I fully realized I didn't want to drink beer, traipsing in the woods in the dead of winter for eight hours, not for the chance of a pretty skelington and some vennisen, not for a dozen pretty skeleingtons and some vennisen. Especially since as I started going through the motions of getting ready I realized my wardrobe is in no condition to go hunting. I'll go next time when its not 38 degrees and I have something better to wear than sneakers and blue jeans. I'm going back to bed now
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That said, I have never in my life seen a bunch of wild turkeys blocking a road (once a huge one blocked the road and just stood there looking at us, but that was just one.).