dedlyniteshade

hmmm.... ive pondered the depths of the human mind endlessly and i had convinced myself heartbreak is painful but only as long as one lets it be... i figured *emotions come from thoughts ,thoughts come from brain therefore i was in complete control and chemistry could still get the best of me but i figured I could enjoy the rush of excitement ,like a giggly crush or what not or a newness kind of feeling. I literally trained myself to think similar to a non violent sociopathic realist. Yet..... I find my quest for conquering the human emotion and not letting it get the best of me was an absolute failure... This is the only safe haven i have to vent of these woes. For the first time in 26 years I can say Ive felt something new, a new kind of pain. I've had my heart broken many times, cheated on, verbally abused, used, you name it I've felt it, but at the same time all of this was liberating and twas like hitting a reset switch and i felt motivated to start over and enjoy life each time. Well my most recent endeavors into the whole *yolo* adventure I've been on (lol) left me torn and confused and straight up like WHAT THE FUCK??? The heart ache i feel right now isn't one I've ever experienced. Maybe its because it was that same old sad story of the 2 close friends that got "too" close, maybe its because the way things ended, maybe its because part of me knows nothing ever felt like home the way those moments we shared did. Could it be guilt? i asked myself, but no its not, i always ask myself this before i do something questionable..not can you live with this? but can you live without this? (to be more technical *can you live as happy without this?) soooo... I have no regrets... maybe one regret. My one regret would probably be the night things got weird, still don't know exactly how they got that way. I still have my friend to an extent... We txt on occasion, nothing more than common banter bout tv shows or hows life. Its not the same, our old talks got me through SO much! Id go to sleep happy and smiling each night, pleasant dreams and I awoke to lovely good morning messages that really got my day started off right. This all stopped around beginning of June. I usually recover from anything heart related within a few weeks (bipolar is a big help with this). but this time I'm not healing, the pain just gets worse, and i swear that 89% of my every thought goes back down that road I can no longer travel on. Even the husband and I have talked bout it on occasion, (not details of course we choose to avoid anything too intense or awkward) but people see my pain. Even when smiling and laughing it still shows...this sadness in my eyes like I've lost my best friend. I didnt hear from this friend for 6 days a lil while ago and I literally didnt sleep more than an hour at night, I couldnt do anything but lay on couch, i became sick actually. I honestly would be ok just if merely our friendship and epic hilarious talks would return but sadly i know they won't. In my conclusion I now know this as "karma". I never regretted anyone i was with,even if i really dislike them now, because They came in my life for a reason, everyone does I think.It seems those hearts I broke that were brought in my life benefited me with life lessons or some other underlying mystical reason, but this time i was the pawn. This friend of mine was the one who needed me , all along I thought it was other way around. I helped him with an issue that consumed him a bit, also I helped him open up for once and come out of his shell. Now *le sigh* Im the one left in utter gut wrenching heart ache... and ya know what?? I deserve every bit of it I guess. Can't go through life digging graves without expecting to be buried in one every once in a while. "alas i shall survive though , always do, I just tell myself this is the way it was supposed to be and hopefully he did *truly care*. sorry i wrote so much i needed to VENT!