I have always known that there was something wrong with me or with everybody else. When I was a boy my parents would take me to visit my grandparents, who were my favorite family members and I would sit in the car for hours because I was so antisocial. Through the years I found it hard to have a real connection to people. To this day I have two close friends and a wonderful fiancé that I can stand to be around. I’ve always felt a hole inside myself that nothing could fill. After tons of sex, drugs, violence, etc., I had given up. I had finally realized that I would never be happy. About seven years ago I found a friend, a best friend, a soulmate who completely filled that hole inside me. I have never loved anything as much as my friend. Around this time last year I lost my friend prematurely to complications of a brain tumor. Since then I’ve been in a constant state of depression, anger, and sadness. Those who care about me say things like, he’s in a better place or it gets better. No. That’s all wrong. It doesn’t get better and his place is by my side. The only one I get is he’s waiting for you. Because I feel like he may be waiting I have stopped caring about my well being and I’m just going through the motions until we are together again. Because of this I now have to deal with everybody thinking I’m going to end my life but, I would never do that to my family and friends. I just feel like I would be ok with waking up dead or having a sudden heart attack. I know that I can’t be the only person that feels this way. How do I keep going without pushing away those who care? How can I get myself back on track?
