The Price is Wrong, Bitch
As a small child I was addicted to The Price is Right. Not so much the show, but this one game called Plinko. Every morning after studying and schoolwork, my grandmother would let me watch. Every morning I watched with zeal almost akin to that of religious fanatics following their cult leader. Almost every morning I was disappointed, because damnit, Plinko was only played maybe once every week tops. As far as PIR games goes, it's actually pretty lame, but nonetheless I was a devoted fan.
I mention Plinko and all its moments of disappointment because it occurred to me that I'm still that little girl, avidly watching my life but only interested in unfulfilling aspects that string me along for a week until I get my lame fix. And then the rollercoaster of disppointment resumes.
As of late, my hesitancy in all aspects of life amazes me. I am going stir-crazy. There is so much I'd like to do, but am far too fearful, lazy, hesitant or what have you to pursue. I'm watching my life from behind a glass wall, gesticulating my desires frantically like a little league baseball coach and expecting someone else to deliver what only I can provide. And still I wonder where the vague feelings of unhappiness originate.
My head echos with a thousand unfulfilled dreams and desires, self-doubt and solitude. There's a lonliness that runs so deep, a disconnect from reality in a sense. I enjoy solitude, but it no longer holds solace for me. I wait patiently to discover life's familiarity as it was before this past year, but that chapter is over, the book is closed and shelved far in the recesses of a troubled mind.
To a certain extent, I miss my old life. I miss living with someone and going to bed, waking up next to them, going grocery shopping, cooking. Just stupid little things that I once took for granted. I miss having a 24/7 live in best friend who I can bitch to about anything, or laugh about the current state of the world with. I guess to a certain extent I realize what I had could have been so right had it been with the right person. The thought of embarking upon it again terrifies me though. 5 years were wasted and trust was shattered. Such a fool I was to believe in something so superficial, and yet I have to ask myself, will it always feel that way? Am I gun-shy now?
I'm guarded, overly so, and it's taking a toll on all my relationships-with family, friends, the person I love. My hesitance is seen as a lack of feeling, or apathy perhaps. And perhaps that is how it should be at the moment, just for the sake of self-preservation. It's a hollow feeling though, knowing you could be so much more to so many people if not for fear.
But I ramble...I awoke this morning in a state so detached I had to expound upon it, and what has it done but provided fuel for the fire. SO many questions, and still no answers.
I'm going out to PaleFace tonight for a fire and to watch the sunset. I had planned on seeing DJ Qbert spin at Sky Lounge, but I just don't think I can handle the throngs of drunk idiots and overly obnoxious frat boys.
As a small child I was addicted to The Price is Right. Not so much the show, but this one game called Plinko. Every morning after studying and schoolwork, my grandmother would let me watch. Every morning I watched with zeal almost akin to that of religious fanatics following their cult leader. Almost every morning I was disappointed, because damnit, Plinko was only played maybe once every week tops. As far as PIR games goes, it's actually pretty lame, but nonetheless I was a devoted fan.
I mention Plinko and all its moments of disappointment because it occurred to me that I'm still that little girl, avidly watching my life but only interested in unfulfilling aspects that string me along for a week until I get my lame fix. And then the rollercoaster of disppointment resumes.
As of late, my hesitancy in all aspects of life amazes me. I am going stir-crazy. There is so much I'd like to do, but am far too fearful, lazy, hesitant or what have you to pursue. I'm watching my life from behind a glass wall, gesticulating my desires frantically like a little league baseball coach and expecting someone else to deliver what only I can provide. And still I wonder where the vague feelings of unhappiness originate.
My head echos with a thousand unfulfilled dreams and desires, self-doubt and solitude. There's a lonliness that runs so deep, a disconnect from reality in a sense. I enjoy solitude, but it no longer holds solace for me. I wait patiently to discover life's familiarity as it was before this past year, but that chapter is over, the book is closed and shelved far in the recesses of a troubled mind.
To a certain extent, I miss my old life. I miss living with someone and going to bed, waking up next to them, going grocery shopping, cooking. Just stupid little things that I once took for granted. I miss having a 24/7 live in best friend who I can bitch to about anything, or laugh about the current state of the world with. I guess to a certain extent I realize what I had could have been so right had it been with the right person. The thought of embarking upon it again terrifies me though. 5 years were wasted and trust was shattered. Such a fool I was to believe in something so superficial, and yet I have to ask myself, will it always feel that way? Am I gun-shy now?
I'm guarded, overly so, and it's taking a toll on all my relationships-with family, friends, the person I love. My hesitance is seen as a lack of feeling, or apathy perhaps. And perhaps that is how it should be at the moment, just for the sake of self-preservation. It's a hollow feeling though, knowing you could be so much more to so many people if not for fear.
But I ramble...I awoke this morning in a state so detached I had to expound upon it, and what has it done but provided fuel for the fire. SO many questions, and still no answers.
I'm going out to PaleFace tonight for a fire and to watch the sunset. I had planned on seeing DJ Qbert spin at Sky Lounge, but I just don't think I can handle the throngs of drunk idiots and overly obnoxious frat boys.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
nail:
good brain dump. i can relate well to a lot of what you had to say. hang in there... things do get better. have fun at pale face 
bepps:
I can certainly understand why you would feel that way. But I think it's best if you don't live in fear of getting hurt by people. You WILL get hurt, that's a given. It's kindo like ... like how you WILL die eventually, you already know that, no sense focusing on it. You just forget about that and focus on all the cool things that happen in the mean time. Although it's nice to think that you will have a relationship where there wont be any negative side effects it's rediculous to expet it. It's just not gonna happen. Better to just accept it will, forget about it, and move on to focus on the aspects about it that make you smile. There's always gonna be plenty of them and better to think about that. Me, I just think about boobs. Mmmmmmmmm booooooooooobieeeeeessss. 