I've been asleep since 4 pm yesterday and fully intend on sleeping my way through the next few days...with the help of prescription drugs of course. My fear is I've already become tolerant of Ambien, seeing as I awoke at 3am and took 2 more...so far nothing.
I suppose I finally snapped in a certain regard. This past month has been thoroughly disappointing in so many different ways. The death of my father being the catalyst for so many impulsive and thoughtless decisions.
My mother found out last night that I've been intentionally vomiting for quite some time now and flipped out on me. It is an old disorder that recently reared its ugly head. I thought I had it all under control, guess not. Apparently if I can't get my shit together my butt will soon find itself in treatment...I really don't want that, so I'm going to try and get the issue resolved somewhat when I see my psychiatrist, which unfortunately is a week away.
Had to take 2 xanax early this afternoon. My brother was eating a hamburger and the rustling of the paper combined with his chewing food, and my mother chomping away on gum sent me into a fit of agitation bordering on rage. I just wanted to strangle them both at that moment.
The up's and downs are killing me. I can't decide from one minute to the next how I feel.....bubbly and all smiles, irritated and enraged, or just severely depressed. And its a constant struggle just to maintain some semblance of appropriate behavior.
Having a plethora of issues tends to make one feel "crazier" than they truly are, so maybe when I deal with some of this garbage I'll be better equipped to be a "real girl" with a semblance of a normal life again.
I miss my dad more than I ever thought possible. Went off on a friend who recently asked "were you close?" I hate when people fuckin ask that. Would he be any less dead if we weren't close? was my response: yeah, we were close. He was my fuckin dad, and though I wasn't dady's little girl, we spent enough time together for his death to be a tradgedy in my eyes.
Until yesterday, I don't really think it had sunk in. I was still daydreaming silly notions of my dad being CIA, and having to flee the country under the guise of death. Ha! How preposterous!
So, I think I just need to set my brain and body to "off" for a few days and sleep the clock around. Let my brain sort this shit out through dreams. That's my intention, if these fucking sleeping pills will work. And Monday morning, hopefully I'll wake up with a happier outlook on life and the world.
So, if you folks (especially those of you with my phone number that call) are wondering where the fuck I am, I'm in bed, asleep, and will continue to be there for the entirity of the weekend in hopes of waking up and starting anew.
So, if I don't see ya'll before Monday, I hope everyone has a lovely weekend full of happiness, laughter, and bliss.
I suppose I finally snapped in a certain regard. This past month has been thoroughly disappointing in so many different ways. The death of my father being the catalyst for so many impulsive and thoughtless decisions.
My mother found out last night that I've been intentionally vomiting for quite some time now and flipped out on me. It is an old disorder that recently reared its ugly head. I thought I had it all under control, guess not. Apparently if I can't get my shit together my butt will soon find itself in treatment...I really don't want that, so I'm going to try and get the issue resolved somewhat when I see my psychiatrist, which unfortunately is a week away.
Had to take 2 xanax early this afternoon. My brother was eating a hamburger and the rustling of the paper combined with his chewing food, and my mother chomping away on gum sent me into a fit of agitation bordering on rage. I just wanted to strangle them both at that moment.
The up's and downs are killing me. I can't decide from one minute to the next how I feel.....bubbly and all smiles, irritated and enraged, or just severely depressed. And its a constant struggle just to maintain some semblance of appropriate behavior.
Having a plethora of issues tends to make one feel "crazier" than they truly are, so maybe when I deal with some of this garbage I'll be better equipped to be a "real girl" with a semblance of a normal life again.
I miss my dad more than I ever thought possible. Went off on a friend who recently asked "were you close?" I hate when people fuckin ask that. Would he be any less dead if we weren't close? was my response: yeah, we were close. He was my fuckin dad, and though I wasn't dady's little girl, we spent enough time together for his death to be a tradgedy in my eyes.
Until yesterday, I don't really think it had sunk in. I was still daydreaming silly notions of my dad being CIA, and having to flee the country under the guise of death. Ha! How preposterous!
So, I think I just need to set my brain and body to "off" for a few days and sleep the clock around. Let my brain sort this shit out through dreams. That's my intention, if these fucking sleeping pills will work. And Monday morning, hopefully I'll wake up with a happier outlook on life and the world.
So, if you folks (especially those of you with my phone number that call) are wondering where the fuck I am, I'm in bed, asleep, and will continue to be there for the entirity of the weekend in hopes of waking up and starting anew.
So, if I don't see ya'll before Monday, I hope everyone has a lovely weekend full of happiness, laughter, and bliss.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
guitar_wolf:
I wish you sweet dreams and restful sleep if possible. You don't sound crazy to me, but you have a lot of things (GRIEF) to deal with. Dropping out of reality fer a bit sounds like a good idea, at least let your body rest so it can better help your brain cope with everything.
arlan:
I lost my dad when I was 19, it turned out to be one of the most trying experiences of my life, I won't lie to you. However, you will learn to get on with your life, but in a new way... Take your time, if you're a bit of a loose cannon for awhile that's perfectly understandable. Give yourself space to let it out. If you need to talk you know how to find me 