deathtoforls

Have you ever done something so stupid that it is capable of rendering you astonished at your own behavior? Last night was awful in a number of ways. Went to a gathering of a few people that I didn't know all that well, and embarked on a ridiculously retarded adventure in substance abuse. I'm not spilling the beans about what substance, because ya'll would cringe in disbelief right before writing me off as a complete and total moron. That being said, it wasn't crack. I do have some intelligence and moral fiber, albeit a small amount.

I couldn't be more disappointed in myself. I specifically sat down and had a conversation with my brain about drugs prior to leaving for this shendig, and had decided nothing was to be imbibed no matter what the circumstances. Unfortunately I am weak willed in the presence of tequila, and 2 shots into it I said fuck it in reference to other drugs. What is most painful is knowing everyone else would be disappointed in me. This past week has been filled with and overabundance of self destruction, and it's time it came to an end. I cannot live with myself when I make these mistakes. I realize the extent of my stupidity as I make them, yet it doesnt stop me.

I have decided I cannot be around all these people I know that engage in such activity. I am obviously not capable of saying no to hard drugs, so I shouldn't even be around them. And someday, when I have my proverbial shit together, I can work on my weaknesses and overcome them. Until that day however, I need to find a different crew to roll with. Maybe I'll get rid of my cell phone and with it all the numbers of people that tempt me. Start fresh and put everything to this point behind me.

This morning as I was coming down I had the overpowering urge to leave everything behind me and just drive. Cut all ties and start over where no one knows me. Stupid really because the people that surround me don't necessarily define me or make me who I am. Just seems to be the appropriate course of action after the events of last night. Normally I can drink just about anyone under the table, but I have never made such an ass of myself as I did last night. Fragments of my behavior keep surfacing and as I recall my actions I am shocked at my propensity to be such a loud and obnoxious guest. I was talking out my ass all night long about topics for which I have no knowledge. Humiliating at best. Fortunately for me, and the hosts, I am choosing to never show my face there again, in hopes that will be apology enough.

I'm exhausted. Hopeful though that I can focus my attention elsewhere and live a semblance of a "normal" life with a modicum of decency in future happenings.

On a lighter note I am very excited about Blue's soiree this evening, and promise not to make an ass of myself there. Even had I not come to these realizations, I highly doubt she dabbles in the ignorance I engaged in last night...she's far too classy for that scene.