blahhh, lot of thoughts goin through my head. lately my ex has been on my mind for some reason. as much as i wanted the break up, i dont really want to be single. i would like to talk to her but i know its hard on her behalf and i dont wanna start anything. at that time i really beat myself up cause we were never quite the 'wonderful' couple, and i take the blame cause i can be a miserable bastard sometimes and i dont like bein that way anymore. i was her first everything and i didnt want her to take those situations with her, as in, its not all this way, it can be better with someone else. i wanted to break up and i didnt. obviously i havent totally let her go yet. i do miss her. i feel like i did change somewhat in these months. i cut my alcohol intake down, i did drink a lot when i was with her but i also have some troubles that made me, i can say, my job i despeise and home life. and then i can dr jekyll and mr hide, where since i am losing weight i would like to try to meet someone new. but thats not a guarantee and of course not a guarantee id find 'love'. and for me that word is scary and i sometimes dont understand, just like my situation with my ex. i didnt quite know if i was 'in' love. blahh, think i needed some things off my chest.. st pattys just past and of course i got loaded. and either with my anxiety migraines or tmj, it gave me more anxiety cause i hate the memory loss on drinking. i know the answer is 'well dont drink that much' kinda hard when im used to it and once youre feeling good, it happens. but for my sake, it is no longer a crutch and tell ya truth if marijuana was legal or decriminalized id probably quit altogether. its not as fun as it used to be and not worth the mess the day after. so right now im battling some memory of loss of saturday which is punishment enough cause my mind doesnt stop. i have a wedding at the end of the month, i think i might go on a hiatus from alcohol... i hate feelin like dr jekyll and mr hide. and i always seems to answer myself but my actions never happen. i need some happiness in my life and i dont have that. and i dont know what it is either. i wanna just live, be myself and prosper.....
lethal:
Thanks for support me