Fathers Day and other options...
i never liked fathers day, not because i didnt love or respect my dad, quite the opposite was true. . . he just hated the forced and lack of meaning that came with it as a "day"... an i was always too lazy to go shopping.
when i was just old enough to understand thr concept of "father" an that my dad was the person in that role ,my first real memory of fathers day was my dad sittin watchin tv with me on his chest trying to steal his breakfast every bite he took....
"oi ya little bugger! il bite them fingers off! i will! then how will you scratch your bum when it itches!! ha!"
"its Fathers day today son, a day dedicated to you wasting money on a present for me, that i wont like, with money given to you by your mother, given to her by the bank,taken from savings i spend my life replacing!"
"..... ......."
"when you get a little older, you will see things i hope that you will find obsurd"
"...... ......."
"dont ever waste your time or money on something because tv told you too"
the blank parts were me looking at him with the facial expression "duh?" "wha?" etc as it went totally over my head!.... thats how most conversations went between us at the start, he never spoke to me like i was a child, even if we were playing stupid childish games that i constantly demanded, he would still be chatting away "matter of factly" to me about whatever events or topic was on his mind no matter if the content irrelevent to me, over my head, boring, considered in appropriate.
we always had a father/son relationship on an equal basis, i was allowed childish and selfish obnoxious typical young boy opinions and arguements but on the condition that i never lied to him. i could brag or boast or exaggerate to my hearts content if i wanted, but the least i could do was respect him enough to realise he didnt lie to me and i wouldnt to him.
the reason he did this was becuase my mum was the complete opposite, i was a child and knew nothing, and therefore had to be told everything and my opinion saved for someone who "hadnt already been doing that before you were born, dont kid a kidder, soon as i have a job and either my own place or money to pay my way i can have some rights..." to this day me and my mum have constant running battles on a daily basis, its just our thing and its how we show each other we love each other ha ha , anyway im side tracking......
i think about my dad everyday at some point, just a random passing or in depth recalling of a memory or in a conversation i have inner monologue style i think best describes it? cuz i still have to ask his advice about stuff like we used to chat, and sometimes its more of an abstract half daydream thing where i ask him questions about historic figures he may be socialising with etc where he is now.... .. im not retarded, its the way i coped with losing him and its always stayed with me as something i personally found let me keep my faith ( i have a faith, im not a practicing or devout religious or even particularly good example but i am catholic, i do believe in God, and the notion that just maybe something is waiting for us after this life. )
so yeah, we still chat kind of and he still has a definite impact on me day to day.... but fathers day always ends with me losing track of time, reflecting way too much, and worst of all spending the day knowing nothing i can do or say will take my mums mind off him and the huge hole that was left behind him.
yes this is sentimental and wallowing that doesnt help anything or change anything, so fucking what!
pointless and shamefully retail driven hallmark holidays like today . . .
get to me.
i miss you dad.
i never liked fathers day, not because i didnt love or respect my dad, quite the opposite was true. . . he just hated the forced and lack of meaning that came with it as a "day"... an i was always too lazy to go shopping.
when i was just old enough to understand thr concept of "father" an that my dad was the person in that role ,my first real memory of fathers day was my dad sittin watchin tv with me on his chest trying to steal his breakfast every bite he took....
"oi ya little bugger! il bite them fingers off! i will! then how will you scratch your bum when it itches!! ha!"
"its Fathers day today son, a day dedicated to you wasting money on a present for me, that i wont like, with money given to you by your mother, given to her by the bank,taken from savings i spend my life replacing!"
"..... ......."
"when you get a little older, you will see things i hope that you will find obsurd"
"...... ......."
"dont ever waste your time or money on something because tv told you too"
the blank parts were me looking at him with the facial expression "duh?" "wha?" etc as it went totally over my head!.... thats how most conversations went between us at the start, he never spoke to me like i was a child, even if we were playing stupid childish games that i constantly demanded, he would still be chatting away "matter of factly" to me about whatever events or topic was on his mind no matter if the content irrelevent to me, over my head, boring, considered in appropriate.
we always had a father/son relationship on an equal basis, i was allowed childish and selfish obnoxious typical young boy opinions and arguements but on the condition that i never lied to him. i could brag or boast or exaggerate to my hearts content if i wanted, but the least i could do was respect him enough to realise he didnt lie to me and i wouldnt to him.
the reason he did this was becuase my mum was the complete opposite, i was a child and knew nothing, and therefore had to be told everything and my opinion saved for someone who "hadnt already been doing that before you were born, dont kid a kidder, soon as i have a job and either my own place or money to pay my way i can have some rights..." to this day me and my mum have constant running battles on a daily basis, its just our thing and its how we show each other we love each other ha ha , anyway im side tracking......
i think about my dad everyday at some point, just a random passing or in depth recalling of a memory or in a conversation i have inner monologue style i think best describes it? cuz i still have to ask his advice about stuff like we used to chat, and sometimes its more of an abstract half daydream thing where i ask him questions about historic figures he may be socialising with etc where he is now.... .. im not retarded, its the way i coped with losing him and its always stayed with me as something i personally found let me keep my faith ( i have a faith, im not a practicing or devout religious or even particularly good example but i am catholic, i do believe in God, and the notion that just maybe something is waiting for us after this life. )
so yeah, we still chat kind of and he still has a definite impact on me day to day.... but fathers day always ends with me losing track of time, reflecting way too much, and worst of all spending the day knowing nothing i can do or say will take my mums mind off him and the huge hole that was left behind him.
yes this is sentimental and wallowing that doesnt help anything or change anything, so fucking what!
pointless and shamefully retail driven hallmark holidays like today . . .
get to me.
i miss you dad.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
misshavok:
woo nice ECW shirt. Oh how I miss the good ol days.
ontothenext:
That was beautiful... It's good to reflect on people and the past sometimes. I'm sure he enjoyed the time you two spent together as much as you did, and that he very proud of you for who you are and thinking of your mom.