...censored :-)
but i can at least leave that pic here. i'm currently messing it up with that super cute girl to the right, because my heart is just to heavy to call her. I like her a lot. and jeez, I love that even of her super-great ensemble she's the one (addd some blinking and sparkles on 'one') who dances the most emotional, most colourful and likes me so much...
but everything is a drag at the moment. :(
ah and ffs... i was at a client's xmas party today. they're historians, so, well, really nice people and "book worms" like me... and they hired one, a girl who apparently has a large instagram following under the theme of "history can be sexy". we clicked pretty well. traded too many glances and more than one time i lost track of my actual conversation while we crossed eyes and she'd not let go.
in the end i hid in the kitchen with the caterer.
I don't know what to do. I'm not used to the idea that i'm attractive. I'm not used to talking with beautiful girls and I DON'T got any energy to DO anything.
never in my life I've tried this, much less believed I got a chance and now it's all "oh hey, guy" and I'm totally lost. And all at the same time it fucks me up so much that the one i wanted, and whose sheer presence makes me happier than any person ever before in my life... said no anyway. wtf is going on. I can't deal with this pace. At all.
Honestly. I would prefer to just have a 'friend with benefits' now, or rather even someone who doesn't even want to fuck and I can just hide under a cushion with and pretend everything else is not taking place.
(footnote: I'll not complain to sleeping on tits while not having any sex. god. I need some simple, non-messed up partnership so much. just not my talent, it would appear. lol)
