I'll cut it short.
At night, she said "no, it won't work". At day, she said "like i said I admire you as a person but you're not my guy"
crazy enough, this still sends me in a loop wondering if she's just not interested, or just afraid of the real thing. or still thinks it won't work because i'm not "there" (as if i wouldn't fucking move house for her). sure as fuck her emotions are 10% at night and 1% during daytime. With little 80% spikes when we hit the right moment. At some moments leaving me wondering why it's not just me who's electrified if our hands touch unintentionally at the wrong moment? just how would that be if you're not interested at all? shouldn't you feel nothing if we touch? So why would you hug me the moment you spot me, but yet you worry, and treat me like a walking can of poison?
Dealing with a bank vault would be easier.
but:
I'm not out to conquer, it's not a game.
I love her. I want(ed) to marry her.
I'll probably post the very last pic of us at decadence together (since she just doesn't enjoy the party anymore)
And then I'll delete it.
If you care, you'll see us for a moment.
Besides, I am not inclined to go dating around or whatever. I had, or have found so much more self-confidence over this last year than I ever had, but I also found _this single person I feel made for_ and if I'm not wanted, I think I'll just stay on my own. To be honest: I've had enough of it. I'll never be a fit for picking a dozen off tinder and then haphazourdly ending up with someone who sticks. Love. Or nothing. I need to draw the line.
And right now the line says:
non saró solo un amico.
I'll never just be your friend. Not if it's for the best person I ever met. It is weird, but there's no card to play here. I just like her too much. I know it's shit, she considered me a best friend and I'm gonna dump it back in her face! All that's left is to spend a few weeks to explain that why I can't do this, in proper italian. She's really been the best thing to happen to me, ever. And yes, like I was afraid, she tells me I'm an incredibly cool person to hang out with. Maybe we really are a good thing for each other. It surely feels that way :-)
But sorry, _friends_ are not made up of one who thinks "this is a friend" and one of thinks "We gotta marry and I want to fuck her until the day I die". I got plenty friends, and this is not what I think about friends! :)
Not to mention, I have had one or two ex's who first didn't want me and then fucking years later decided "omg you're so incredible, I love you". not again. Now, or never.
So. Most probably this IS the end of the fairy tale. Those of you who followed this mess for almost a year know I'm not gonna disrespect her, and I, who has had advice from a few happily married men, know - maybe - this might be my final flaw.
Dear SG: I would be awfully pleased with any woman's perspective on how long to "fight" when it really matters. I do not want to cross the line of decency (so far of course I definitely haven't. It's just that this is the most important thing in my life and I wonder?)
I'm gonna try to cut short on anything from now on. There's nothing more to say anyway. I'll never cut back on my ideals, and rather leave here with 2 cats than a woman I didn't sincerely love.
And Mr stalky - if you really read this: We try and we might fail. we can rise from the ashes. What matters is if we feel our heart and remember. But us two, at some point we'll meet again, I'll still respect you and I sincerely expect you to just shut the fuck up. This is the least. And, if you could, also just don't drop your usual shit on FB. Neither of us will feel better if you try turning the knife. Plus, I'm just no longer a person you can hurt for real. You could make a mess and then we gotta wipe it up. How useless.
p.s.: let me be a little immature while I savour the last of my beer: i wish i owned italian like I do english, or my actual language, because, you might've sensed, I got a little knack for words once love is involved. but, sadly I have to run a company next to my love life and so it's just my big fucking nose and my not-yet useful italian I can throw on the scales. I wish she'd allow me to search for her feelings, since my tongue has a tendency to find them DAMMNNNNNNNN I AM SO FRUSTRATED ;-)