Some day you think you want to love someone forever.
And you feel it would be treason to this love, to yourself if you just forget them, no matter what comes.
Years pass on, you're lucky enough to love others, too.
And you think the same thing.
And then you find the curse in that noone ever leaves your heart.
I tried to find closure. to really get over with old those old things.
This letter, I'm just holding, dates 22nd of november 2000.
She said it so well: Does anyone know how many tears a human has?
My heart and soul still hurt so much when I think back to then.
I'll probably put this all away again. For me, at least, I see no way, to ever forget someone I loved.
It seems we all just end up breaking each other's heart. I've spread so much chaos among wild hearts. I stopped that so long ago. But sure as fuck that didn't end up making anyone happier, either.
At the moment it seems all I can stay is true to my vows and never forget. Since forgetting does not work anyway.
It's a bit less than I would hope for. Does it help, at all, to still know how much we loved each other 18 years ago? Does it help to still love her? Or the next one? I know she also still does, somewhere deep in her heart, but who cares? We both had to move on. And the next one, does she remember, too?
I've met some other people like this, who seem to be in an endless treadmill of love and loss. I've heard "advice" from those who marry for tax benefits. And those who never fell, for love, and are quite most happily married.
I hope this post doesn't come over all that negative - I'm just reflecting. Based on this attempt of "I'll just look at this old stuff and come to grips with it. and then I can start over from somewhere". And based on how it went.
I'm puzzled. On the more practical side it tells me I can simply forget about forgetting the past.
I suppose I can spend tomorrow night watching the really hard spiral-down-to-bottom romance stuff?
Agatha et les Lectures illimitées - I kept that movie in a locker until I split up :-)
I'm afraid I have the wrong hormones to just stuff chocolate with it. I'm gonna find something.
Maybe some day I'll also just get this shit over and watch those movies with another woman, who brings her own too deep memories - and I think: that, then, will be when we put them to rest, in the past.