Friends something weird happens as you get older. Things change, perspectives on your life. For males this is a weird transition. Often we get married. Have kids. And completely lose focus on the families we grew up with. Loose old friends or at least fall somewhat out of contact with them. The spouse’s family often becomes more of a focus for the male. I’m not sure why, but i’ve seen this in myself, in my brothers families, it’s just pretty common. It’s not talked about often. Males generally suck at expressing any emotion other than frustration or anger. Maybe that’s not a general thing, but i think what is clear to me as i age? Our needs often take a backseat to those of the family unit. You play a role. It can vary more often these days, as women become more empowered, are better able to assert their independance. One of the best features of sg to me is changing the dynamics of the woman’s age old stigma on roles vs males. But for someone like me? Even as i believe in the equality of individuals independent of sex, race, status etc? I’m still trained in the old stereotypes. I’m a provider. My wife and kid way more important to me than myself. They are everything to me, and i make sure they are taken care of whether i’m around or not. It’s natural for me to do this financially. Emotionally a little harder, just cause i’m a dumb male with a penis. I’m still learning at 49. Every day. So is my wife. 14 years together, and sometimes she is still learning how to handle living with a male. Not her fault, she had no good role models growing up. Males have not been kind to her in her life. I feel it’s my role to teach her love sometimes, she did not have enough of this before me. I can’t say she has enough now either, but i do my best and i love her dearly.
Anyway, i just wanted to express this. We (and I) have had alot of challenges in 2016 and 2017. This week, i had to deliver two important presentations in my job. I took a new job in jan 2017, for less money than i was making before. Providing for the family has been tougher than ever. I have a role that in some ways makes me responsible for turning around a business which is not doing great. In fact, worst performance financially in their seventeen year history. I am passionate about the value of the company. But they have problems. And i’m a self appointed problem solver, another typical male archetype. I prepped these two presentations for about 2-3 months under a great deal of background stress. I delivered to our board of directors as a test of my capabilities. And even though i am brutal on myself, being a perfectionist on many things, i got good feedback, did pretty well and maybe saved my ass in this job.
This was tuesday. It is now thursday. I was so relieved it was finally over. My wife was happy and congratulated me. But for some reason? I’ve not been able to share the news with my siblings. My friends. One friend on sg has been it. And this blog.
I am an approval seeker, and this kinda sucks. I want to pat myself on the back and celebrate. I don’t take compliments seriously though, it’s just a confidence thing. Is there enough positive feedback that could make me feel better about myself? Probably not. But i do wonder. Why is it important for me to share my apparent success in this effort? It is over. And i just want to celebrate, but don’t even know how.
Thanks for listening to all the great people on this forum. Just wanted to share the story, reflect on the challenges middle aged men sometimes face. Sometimes? Being the provider feels like a thankless job. I’m not entirely sure why.