Its early in the morning of Sunday, January 21st and all I really want right now is a cigarette. Usually at this point of the night I'd be plugging away at my epic poem and making decent progress, but not tonight. I've stumbled upon one of those 'sticky' points of the tale which always seem to trip me up for a while; this is a shame because I'm nearing the end and this is the last of those tough spots that I can foresee. I've been working on this story for three years and I'm becoming anxious to finish it; I'm at least 2/3rds of the way through the main story and I think that I might be done with the rough draft in 3 months or so. I have a feeling the final product is going to weigh in at 120-130 pages; its already longer than its inspiration, Beowulf. I just hope that its not all drivel.
Back to that cigarette. I want one; I want one so bad right now. Anyone who tells you that there is nothing pleasurable about cigs either has never smoked or is lying through his or her teeth. In all honesty, the cigarette buzz is one of the single most pleasurable things I have experienced in my entire life. I love it, and I love them. Unfortunately its an obsessive, self destructive type of love; much more "Sid and Nancy" then "Johnny and June", which is why I've decided to kick the habit once and for all.
So far I've gone four days without one; the nicotene gum and cigars I have have been helping a lot. I eventually want to get back to smoking 2 cigars a week like I used to. My lungs feel so much cleaner already, my coughing has subsided and heavy weight has lifted off of my chest. I've even been doing pretty good about not thinking about the horrid things much; but the problem is that I used to smoke quiet a bit while writing. So, here I am, sitting and trying to write poetry and my mind keeps fixating on the fact that I need a buzz so badly right now it ain't even funny.
My other addictions are also screaming for release. I am, apparently, the only person who can be making 40-some K a year, living on his own with no dependents, and still be poor. My music habit has crashed upon the rocks of my lack of money; dammit I want to get more! Living where I do, it seems that one of my only releases is to come home and dissolve into what ever tunes I happen to be playing at the time. I need to get the Nirvana boxed set and so much other stuff it ain't even funny. Gah!
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Country and grunge would work. I'd advise renting or otherwise viewing Neil Young's Weld DVD. It's all balls-to-the-wall rock & roll (Sonic Youth and Social D were the opening acts for the tour - damn there was a lot of great feedback!) until the encore "Roll Another Number (For The Road)." It's a country song, basically, but for this tour, at the shows he played it it has a rather grunge texture. You might find it inspiring.
Also, you need to, if you haven't already, check out The Meat Puppets. I remember (vaguely) them at a little gig in the early to mid-80s (not sure if we were on the same bill or if I was just in the audience) and thinking "I would call this music "Punkabilly," not knowing the term is used (I'm not sure if it was already in use; doesn't matter), but it can give you the idea of the sound.
Another example of something resembling country grunge was at a Madison Square Garden show in NYC I attended in 1992. It was an all-star tribute to Bob Dylan dubbed by Neil Young "BobFest" and Eddie Vedder and Mike McReady from Pearl Jam did a very interesting and heartfelt take on Dylan's Master of War with GE Smith on mandolin. Not actually country, but really really nice, haunting, dark yet colourful. A DVD was released of the bulk of the show (I have the rest on VHS from a simulcast I had someone record for me while I went to the show). The Masters of War is on it. Well worth checking out.