daisy

I don't understand.

There's nothing in particular i don't understand, i mean i don't understand an awful lot. Well, let's say the things i do actually understand are a lot less than all i don't understand. My ignorance is immense. But lately i think there are certain things that by now i should understand, and don't. Like silly things, such as that a rhino isn't actually called a rhinosaur and a desendant of a dinosaur, which was quite a recent discovery. But serious things too.

Things like relationships. I'm talking about all kind of relationships here. Basic human interaction confuses me. Meeting new people, and how to be, and act astounds me. And the more complex relationships, well, they baffle me. Friendship is something i've been thinking about recently. I think if i'm honest i could count all my friends on one hand, and still have fingers to spare. Normally that's a good thing and the people on that select list are the closest, but not in my case. No, i think my "friends" are just a bit more familiar than other people i know. Since Sarah (if you really want to know about Sarah go back along through past journals and you'll find out, it's not for here) i've not let anyone really close in. But that's been a while. And i'm lonely. There, i said it. I don't have family, or friends, and i'm lonely. All i've had since Sarah are boyfriends, and look where that got me. I want a friend, someone to go do stupid girlie things with, and i've not had one of those for 4 years. I miss it.

Which leads me to the issue at hand tonight. People always tell me i'm too nice for my own good, and that people take the piss out of me, because i let them. I don't think i'm too nice, but i do agree that i allow myself be walked all over, time and time again. Every time it happens i swear i won't let it happen again. And then it happens again. Now, for the most part, it's just shitty people who get what they want from me, and fuck off, but a couple of times, particularly recently it's been more long term than that. Now i'm sure the people do care about me to some level, but i always get let down. Always. And when you consider that i give people my all too fast, it's bound to happen really. But it's bloody hard not to. I just want a ready made best friend, and that's not going to happen, so i throw myslef heart and soul first into all friendships, and get let down. And i need to learn.

And there are many things i need to learn. My ex is a fair point here. I thought after 3 long years, once the initial period of the break up was over, we could work on being friends. And i tried, and he tried, but he was trying to get me back, and it all got to me again, and i'm not allowed to talk about this with my new man. And i need to get it all out. But i have no-one to talk to. My friends are the ex's friends. I just need a good cry and moan, and unfortunatly, the internet is all i have. Pathetic eh?

Other people really confuse me. I don't really understand me either, but i know i'm easily distracted by shiny things, why can't other people be that simple?

And Dashboard Confessional are not advisable to listen to when upset. I have my ET lump again. I've told you lot that story before, when i was little, and i was sat inbetween my mum and dad watching ET, and i was sad, and i had a lump in my throat, and i thought i was dying. I have that now. It makes me smile though, cuz i have my mum and dad. And they're better than any stupid boy.

I miss Brain, i love him. I wish he'd come back. And stop working silly amounts so he could come be my friend. I like him.

And on a side note, it's weird when people from my real life find me on myspace. My secrets out.

I feel better for my rant now, thanks. Even if you didn't bother reading, it did me good writing. Thanks.