daem

http://suicidegirls.com/members/hyenahell/

thats hyena. shes offline for a while. i now dont have people to comment on my journal =(. Well not many. This makes me sad.

Journal 8

Self Destruction

First off, I'm not a happy person. I'm usually angry for some reason, or annoyed, or any other negative emotion. Happiness is something i remember feeling once. Other than that being drunk usually is my replacement for being happy.

I've tried to figure out why on many occasions. I still can't figure it out. I mean besides the lack of a love life, I don't have it too too bad. I miss my old friends and I will for a long time, but even when I had them I was an angry man.

The problem is where the angry thoughts lead (well if its really a problem at all). I have violence and self destruction in my head. I want to hurt people or drink until i pass out every day or even do every hard drug i can. Why? Just to fucking let go of some of the agression.

I guess that's where my love for punk and hardcore comes in. I love the anger, I love pits where i can go brutalize myself with other people. I usually dance hard and come home with cuts and bruises. People think I'm crazy. I don't think anything but fucking letting go.

Binge drinking is another favorite. I'll buy a half gallon of some cheap booze and drink it until i cant hold a shot. I'll crawl across the floor and pass out somewhere. I usually do it alone.

I've tried to start fights with people, but that's a lot harder than it looks. Sometimes i just want to feel the crack of my fist against their body. I want to hear the dull thud as it lands. I want their knuckles to bust my mouth. I want to feel the pain. For some reason it releases something. Makes me feel a little better.

It seems to get a bit worse with every passing year. I can't explain it really, but anyone who has been here knows what i mean. The fantasys of violence, the craving for chaos, and everything that goes along with it. For me, happiness is a sick joke.