daekrys

so for as happy as i was, it was all just a self induced desperate attempt to fool myself into a feeling of joy. heather is going back to kansas to help her mom, because she feels bad for leavin her mom all by herself. which i can understand, but shit, all the things she said to me, all the pretty words, and sweet gestures, please god tell me that she meant it. i bought an 8th....the last week has been a blur. i don't remember how many times i smoked, or what i smoked, 2 days ago i was so burned out, but i smoked that night anyways. and then i went to bed and slept for 14 hours. woke up still fucked up, still burned out. i still feel like shit. i hate not knowing what's goin on, i hate not being in control of myself. i like to drink, i know how to handle that, but smoking isn't for me. i know that for a fact now, maybe once every few months like i used to, but not 5 fucking days strait. i have officially fucked myself financially. it'll take months for me to get back ahead.

so here i am, again wading through the bile of my own stupidity, looking up into the sun, climbing a mountian trying to reach the sky.

i hate the orange glow to everything at night in the winter, it makes me feel sick.