I will regain myself again. Whoever I really am. For 4 years the only thing I knew was life with him. Nothing else. And now that I am freed [which I don't think is exactly the word I think is appropriate but eh..] of this, I'm at a loss of what I should do with myself.
Does this mean I really wasn't my own person?
I was so blinded by the very thought of him, and my feelings for him, that I really could not imagine a life without him. Now I am forced to shut out any thougts of him, if I am at all able to.
He was everything in the world to me. My best friend, my confidant. I thought, really thought we'd grow and move on together. Not apart.
I'm facing the cold hard truth. Maybe I am not capable of a healthy relationship, of something wonderful. All I seem to be able to do is complicate things, and get naked.
Everyday is a constant struggle with myself. At times I'm angry, at myself, at him. At everything. At times I want to be able to think positive, to be hopeful of what may or may not be in my life. Mostly, I'm confused and comfortable numb. I'm still a broken record, doing things I know I shouldn't but do them anyway. I'm not entirely sure if I can break away. I guess I need some closure. Some fullfillment. Some something...
Ah fuck. My ass itches. -scratch-
Does this mean I really wasn't my own person?
I was so blinded by the very thought of him, and my feelings for him, that I really could not imagine a life without him. Now I am forced to shut out any thougts of him, if I am at all able to.
He was everything in the world to me. My best friend, my confidant. I thought, really thought we'd grow and move on together. Not apart.
I'm facing the cold hard truth. Maybe I am not capable of a healthy relationship, of something wonderful. All I seem to be able to do is complicate things, and get naked.
Everyday is a constant struggle with myself. At times I'm angry, at myself, at him. At everything. At times I want to be able to think positive, to be hopeful of what may or may not be in my life. Mostly, I'm confused and comfortable numb. I'm still a broken record, doing things I know I shouldn't but do them anyway. I'm not entirely sure if I can break away. I guess I need some closure. Some fullfillment. Some something...
Ah fuck. My ass itches. -scratch-
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
'the idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving. saves on introductions and good-byes'
(from waking life)
thoughts linger... remember to put yourself first, follow your impulse decisions, you'll find yourself content, not angry.
Haven't spoken on the phone, exchanged maybe 4 text messages and one e-mail. Had one chance meeting for 3 minutes in a shop, I left shaking, she burst into tears. Horrible, but it's been the best way. Complete break away. I really felt like I was doing something bad for ages, I mean, she was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, then, one conversation later, all gone. It wasn't even a harsh split, her choice though.
But, onto the more positive side. 7 months down the line, I've regained 'my' life, doing everything for myself. I eat what I want to eat, I drink what I want to drink, I go where I want to go. Be selfish for a bit. For more than a bit. If you want to do it, just do it. You've got to do things for you and no one else.
I think you're being too harsh on yourself. Not being funny, but you're still young and you've had 4 years with someone. I turned 29 last year and 4 years is the longest I've been with anyone. If anyone's got to worry about being capable of something wonderful, I'm in a much shakier position than you
Anyway, saw you on JKrout's friends list, read your blog, and had to post, hope you don't mind me sharing my views.
Stay well,
Dan