I've been living in hell the past 2 years. Some of it my fault and some just bad circumstances. It got better for a while but this past week has literally caused me to relive it all over and over in my head. Some of it I could fix if I was allowed to some of it I can't. I was with my ex for 8 years married for 6 of them have a daughter together. I wasn't always the nicest guy I could be a dick and wish I would have noticed it. I was injured overseas my back broke in 3 places and was paralyzed until a surgery got me most of my feeling back after a very long recovery process. I was discharged and live in pain and anger at my loss of mobility and change of lifestyle and lack of purpose. I didn't know what to do I lost my mind I had lost everything that was my life. I was angry at the world. I pushed away everyone I loved. I yelled I cussed I said terrible Shit because I wanted them to be in pain to I don't know why but it seemed necessary. So I said duck it and left after we argued constantly I refused to do anything to help. After I left sought help started regaining control of my mind, myself and my life. I realized what I had done what I had caused what I had lost. I tried appologizing I tried begging. When I say I did literally everything I could to win her back. She was to hurt to stuborn refused to forgive didn't even give it a second thought. I don't blame her I caused a lot of grief but to think. 8 years multiple deployments and Shit we went through. And overcame. After I got help and turned myself into a better man and person so I could regain everything that I worked for. I was no longer worth the effort. I have tried so hard to move on and it just feels imposible. Luckily I have my daughter everyday and she fills me with more happiness than sadness she has helped me coupe and kept me strong. Hugs when I needed them and kisses to. A 4 year old little girl who sees dad crying says it's gonna be okay I love you and hops on my lap and hugs me. I dunno just felt like writing.
