crash_drive

Sorry I was quiet for a while. I was hurt by my best friend bad and went silent on all media. I am doing better now. I resisted cutting myself. There were thoughts of thinking of ending this life but I fought them off. It's just my parents worry I'll kill myself my one best friend does and I feel I'm just a burden to everyone thinking maybe they would be better off without me. Than there is the fact I cannot find a purpose. I don't care about money so making my life's purpose that is of no use. I really don't care about experiences like many do so that's out, seeing things is not a big. Yes there is love but that's never going to happen. How can I be there for someone else? Take care of her if I can't even keep my emotions in check and not break down. It wouldn't be fair to her to have to worry about me and take care of me. And what I need is that person to serve. No I'm not a sub. I dove into that and I just didn't have a taste for it but I am a servant. I want to take care of someone I care about, do for her, give her massages, make her my world but the thing is no one wants that these days. They don't want the white knoght serving his queen. Oh they say they do but when it comes down to it they don't. They say and I quote, " you're a really nice guy and as the saying goes that's why I can't date you." Yea it's been said to me several times. I can only be the white knight, I've tried to be different but that is one area in my personality I cannot change. It's to much in me. Finding purpose to live is very difficult because I am empty inside.