coyotekid

"These are the darkest days,
These are the darkest days of all.
And it comes as no surprise.
Our hope will surely die.
Lost in a slow kiss goodbye.
Our hope will surely die.
As we sink like stones in the river."

-Dog Fashion Disco


When does the grieiving end, I wonder? Just when I think it's starting to get better, something else pops up.

I'm driving down the interstate at 80 mph, the summer heat rolling through my windows as the Cruxshadows sing "Cassandra", and I feel utterly miserable. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I've been depressed since leaving my friend's house. It hits me out of nowhere. I'm grieving for myself.

A lot of people have commended me on how well I've handled the the last year--the layoffs, the loss of two of the most important people in my life, but looking at it now, I don't think I made it. I died awhile ago.

I used to be confident and fun. I smiled a lot and laugh aloud even more. I had a razor wit, and I could write like nobody's business. I could walk into a room and have everybody laughing with my goofball antics, or I could be the one that got everyone talking at one of those awkward parties where everyone stands around and stares at each other because they're all from different social circles. Now, I can't even entertain one of my friends for an afternoon. Instead, I sit and stare at the television, completely blank, because the only thing I can think of is all the shit going in life, and that's something that doesn't always need to be discussed.

I guess it's no wonder why I'm so fucking lonely. Who wants to deal with that? This empty thing walking around in my skin--it's just a ghost. Nothing more.

And as I'm driving some party of me says it would be so easy. Pull hard to the right and the car would flip, right over the mountainside, and then I could finish what started last summer. But the other, more masochistic side says no. I want to wait, because holy shit, I want to be around for the grand finale. But you know...sometimes I wonder if I do. Sometimes I wish I could've just died right alongside that witty, loving, and happy young man a year ago.