clickbeeptss

i am so sleep deprived it is ridiculous.

i wish i was in my profile picture. that was a good day. i was in bed all day. i was wrecked, but i was in bed. i had bruises and a few little cuts and i probably still had a BAC that would shame a sailor, BUT AT LEAST I WAS IN BED.

every winter this happens. i forget to eat, i can't sleep, or rather, the only time i want to sleep is during the day. i go into reverse hibernation. i fell asleep in the middle of pump up the volume this morning. i have an odd assortment of movies that i use to help me fall asleep. others include-

- return to oz
- the ninth gate
- rushmore
- any star wars movie (especially empire strikes back)

i don't like taking sleeping pills, so i don't. though valium and a small glass of red wine would have been nice. morphine never put me to sleep, just made the blankets softer. ambien works. so does a hot bath and then a book.

i spent time with my ex boyfriend M last night. those who know me will know the complexity of the situation. those that don't, trust me, it's a long story with a sad ending and in the state i am in right now storytime would leave you with a sour taste in your mouth. this time last year we were happier than we both deserved to be, considering my blatant optimism and his potential to make horrible decisions...and although i am in a very good place with quite possibly the sweetest person i could ask for, and although i have ZERO capacity to even consider him in his old role, there is still an incredible amount of emotion. some of it really good, some of it really bad. i doubt it will ever be comfortable, but it is comforting, if that makes sense. both comforting and confusing.

i'm mostly confused from the exhaustion though. vertigo is like a rollercoaster without having to wait in line.

sleeeeeeep