citrus

so, no...
i don't write so much these days using this forum...
i tend to be sticking more to paper pages.

and there's so much i could fill you in on.
i just sent one friend a twenty-something page letter.

i cut my hair and am thinking of dying the tips dark-dark-darker.
same apartment.
new job that seems cool.
still in the kitchen a couple/few times a week.
meeting people.
missing people.
living life.

i'm finally following through with the fast i've scheduled for months.
i know i'll feel better soon.
but right now i'm brushing my teeth obsessively because my mouth is so damn dry - and no toothpaste, either... that would be consuming calories and i'm not doing that for a few days.

a friend and i discuss being true to ourselves...
i carry the idea into conversation i have with others, as well.
it's amazing how bad habits become comfortable and doing what's right seems so difficult after we've settled into a muck.

the boy, that one, the major one i've been talking about for six months...
still not over it. ha!
i recently told someone he introduced me to that he and i are "only friends"... and it's true, i've finally convinced myself,
but i'm still feeling all "in love".
what to do what to do... matt says i'm a silly goil.

i'm still on my way to "resident tourist"
but i don't plan to be here forever.
now that i'm getting my hands wet,
i can continue sculpting this thing i want to express...
it will come together nicely. but i can't really imagine it well enough.
dreams can come true.

i feel a little silly. i'll be hallucinating by sunday.

i don't know what else to say.
i feel connected more in some ways and still remarkably detached.
i get those waves of emotion and compulsive paranoia but something in me just smirks halfway and moves on, i'm not going anywhere.

i think after i have water with this one guy who's been requesting my company for weeks, i'll head to brooklyn instead of going out to queens like i'd initially planned.
i'll rehang some things in my room and lay in the floor with foreign language.

it's redundant, but i'll never cease to be amazed how things change and stay the same.

i am happy
and ready to break down.