citrus

i'm back to writing myself emails as catharsis.

last night i was home earlier than would be typical from the kitchen. waiting for the bus, a man in a minivan stopped and asks "please, do you speak russian?"... no. i don't. "would you like a ride?"... no. i have one, thanks.

work's not bad. did i tell you that the banking/brokerage firm asked me back? they were apparently worried i'd be taken by another assignment. it's fine.
weeks are busy. i tell boys i don't want their sex (because i want one person's in particular) and they don't mind. maybe they think they can crack me. this guy from work is pissed at me because i told him he was infringing on my independence like he promised he wouldn't do. it's easier to tell someone no when you're disinterested - there are some people i would completely rearrange my life for.

i love my friends.
i got an endearing message from a man who's very special to me.
i feel overwhelmingly grateful for the people close and far away who love me and can show it. i love them back, mostly, i think, but feel guilty that i can't tear pieces of me away to give them. i feel happy and sad that there are so many quality lives intertwined with my own... happy because who wouldn't be, sad because i can't press them to me and make impressions upon them as readily as i would like to.
i feel so obsessed with what directly surrounds me: relating to heart, mind, body... love, learning, application.

it's all good.

i'm back to a reasonable diet, or making my way there anyway.
too much binging. too much restaurant dining, too much alcohol indulgence, too much dessert. so many celebrations...
so yogurt for breakfast (though i really miss my cereal - i'll pick some more up wednesday from the market near sarah's), i had some cottage cheese (a recently acquired taste) and fruit, i have salad for lunch because it's delicious with annie's goddess dressing and feta and radishes and olives... dinner at work - the guys always make me something really nice. i am really impressed with the soup i had last night... i wish the guy were going to be there again tonight because i want to ask him for the recipe now that i have the courage to do so.

i'd wanted to spend more time in the kitchen this week, but today will make three days in a row and then my week looks so booked through socially. sortof. i have to schedule self-time and i'm thinking i'll go to the library and picnic this weekend if the weather is nice... just the threesome and some literature. how nice, eh? we'll see what i can work out.

i'm really very happy. i'm a little bit lonely, though i have plenty of company - it's not any different from anywhere else - feeling alone even in a crowd, ...
someone asked me the other day where i think i want to live and i told her it doesn't really matter if i can enjoy the weather, which i most usually can.
i dig on moderation, methinks.

i'm trying to learn a couple of languages. i'm thinking i should take classes, but i have people i work with who speak one and people i admire and want to be with who speak the other.

there's just so much.
a friend was playfully reading palms and she told me my life will end early. it's possible that it's all just guess-tures, but it's a nice reminder that my time is most definitely limited.
all of my life i've had a pressing feeling that i would die young-ish... i remember this hallucination-type out-of-body kindof experience i had shortly after i turned twenty-one (possibly induced by sleep deprivation or the intense studying i was doing at the time.)
it was amazing to me; it seemed as though my life really did flash before my eyes and i remember feeling so glad i'd made it so far, because there was a time in my teens when i was sure i wouldn't live to twenty-five... and here i am.
alive and growing. i couldn't really ask for more, even if i want.
it will have to do, eh? not that i have no ambition, but i don't want to feel greedy, either.
"i am" is enough, isn't it?

it's the best.

did i mention how much i love?
we think and think and think and feel and wish to tell each other all about it,
but somehow i doubt it can truly be said,
so we continue to seek the truth...
i like not knowing everything... i like being sure of some small things...
maybe this is the simple life. and the depth and the mundane...

we can laugh about it.
and use our voices together.
oh, it's music to my ears.