citrus

i'm up late with some girl friends.
the man i'm meeting tomorrow has called several times, though he stipulated before that he's not "that" kind of guy, asking me to be in bed early and ready for the big day at festival tomorrow.
sure. i'll be ready, sir.

a wife-beater and jeans i haven't been able to wear in four years.
yes, dammit, i've hung on to a pair of jeans that wouldn't fit for four years. but i forgot that the fly doesn't like to obey it's up-position. but i still looked fly tonight as we headed over to the west side and into a bar/lounge to meet a beautiful fag-o-licious boy friend. he referred to himself in the manner, otherwise i might be uncomfortable using such terms.
thank goodness we departed when we did... the scene here is out of control from what i'm used to... but i'm adjusting. so fun to be human these days. every day, really, my whole life.

quiet talk to moody music.
sneezing to the kitten that i can't keep my hands off of.
drinking the last of the alcohol we have in the house and smoking too many cigarettes after debating for hours whether or not we'd invest in a pack for our good times of the evening.

what i need is a good defense
or something.
sin is open to interpretation.

so we're reminiscing... and it's really good girl-time.
and we're amazed at how we're connected,
and i think about these connections i've made here,
and the connections i've made consequentially,
and i am really so out of words about it.
and i'm messed up about it,
and there are tiny crises going on, swirling in my mind, around my life...
but i put them off and decide they'll work themselves out
and i add numbers to the stack i have at home, and i discuss relationships with strangers i'm hardly interested in, who are nice enough, some of them good kissers, some of them fun dancers, some of them kind and behind a gentlemanly guise want to take me into their beds... who knows what they're hiding.
oddly, i'm not into it so much, but for a fun few minutes.

some of these friends encourage me to take it all for what it's worth,
i'm only young once,
carpe diem,
seize this now
i only have so many years to exploit this time of my life...
what to do what to do?

i read over letters i haven't sent,
i'm confused about who i've sent what.
i think i thought i sent something to you and you but maybe i didn't because between the time i spend and what i want to make up, i just can hardly keep track.
i doubt the planner/calendar i want to buy will help.

we'll see.
it's just going,
and i'm flowing with it.

what else am i supposed to do.
we all just do what we do.

you can't just kill something off,
someone,
what we convince ourselves of,
how do we change what we believe in ...
' thing is, we can't,
it just grows... what it is we think we believe in really has a life of its own.

and so it goes again.
maybe it comes back,
paths cross.


and then there are moments like these.

so it's worth it.