citrus

there's lots i could go on about,
but it doesn't make any difference.

i'll write it down somewhere -
it comes much slower that way



i feel lucky.
i have lots of work to do.
i'm angry that i'm vulnerable,
but so much love.
goodness.
flash.



five to the power of two




it's amazing how a person's life can change so dramatically in just a few hours.
but it really does happen.
all the time.


~-~
i've been going through some boxes...
i brought some of them home, paper messes, memorabilia...
i spent much of this morning/afternoon sorting through more storage stuff...
spent some time in the driveway in tears having found letters chad wrote me years ago. that man loved me. we were so young. i realize i'm still young now, but i cried for the way he cared, for how raw we both were at the time, even after all i'd been through by the time i met him.
sweet boy. i hope he's happy. i think about him and his girlfriend and their child... apparently the baby is suffering some health issues and i hope that everything works out for their little family.

i have SO many journals, man.
they're something i won't throw away.
maybe someday i'll spend the time to document it all into legible text.
i threw away an entire trash bag of pictures and kept only a sandwich baggie full.
just weird
we keep so much stuff.
and even now, as i go through and sort, i think to myself "five years from now, half of this stuff will mean as little to me as what i'm selling or trashing does today"
it's just not necessary.
none of it really is.

allison says that i can be a turtle... because i carry my home around with me.
i tell her that none of this (outside, exterior, houses) feels like home...
that home truly is in here (fist to chest) for me.
i say "but turtles are SLOW"
and she says "don't you remember that story? slow and steady wins the race"
and i say "but i can really relate to the bunny!"
and she says "because you're so damn HYPER"
but i've seen fire and i've seen rain...

can i be an excited, emphatic turtle?


the stone face.
thanks fortissimo for the analogy you gave me today.
it feels more noble than the idea i have of putting up a front.

but i have an urge to see romantic movies.
and i'm almost positive i'm going to sate the urge with a before sunrise/before sunset block showing.


and go see shrek2.
it's not JUST like the first one, but it's good.
and if you haven't seen the first one, you are so totally lame!
(but you really are missing out)