citrus

wow







The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched - they must be felt with the heart
~ Helen Keller




i make it harder than it has to be. is that my human condition?
it's my fucking brain that keeps me caged - that reminds me to doubt, to be careful, to be certain.
but my heart is free and flies into closed windows, then tries, tries again. persistent little crazy.

i wonder if birds see reflection.
hmmm.



when the world is wet and gray,
the way it is today,
the trees look so so green.

i love driving down a country road
after a thunderstorm.


i sat in my car at the lake for a couple hours this evening,
my seat scooched all the way back and reclined as fas as it would go,
i alternated my feet between resting on the wheel and pushed into the ceiling.
i read.
i completed a book i began last night and listened to two cds.
i let the rain come in through my windows, guarding the pages from getting wet by holding the book at the roof, i could feel the vibration of drops with my fingers.
i laughed a lot at the material i'd never read,
when it quoted something i've already said,
when something playful was done,
when it made so much good sense, when i felt silly about myself.

and then i awed about the way rain makes the streets into mirrors,
and thunder rumbles in my chest,
how lightning always makes me gasp inside.



i have to tend to animals now,
mom is running errands, mikey is at work, i'm the first one home and i feel bad for the little critters, hungry and holding their pee.


today is nice.




i had a longer entry in earlier today.
i took it down.
i have actually, this might sound silly,
started sending myself email.
heh.
and replying to them.
i figure - i talk to myself pretty often, may as well finish it up.

eebie is in a hospital for an undetermined amount of time.
she has got to stop attempting suicide.
allison says we don't "attempt" suicide - we just commit it. eebie cries for help and i've just come to the conclusion in the last couple days that i can't do it. i can only love her ... and just because she's female and very very dear to my being does not mean that i should treat her and allow the relationship to affect me the same way as has gone down in previous romantic relationships with people of the male variety.


i'm making some drawings to go sooner than i thought initially.
the idea actually occurred to me yesterday, only yesterday. though i'd asked to discuss matters further earlier, suddenly the "opportunity" "materialized" inside my feeble brain.
but it hasn't been far from my mind since and the time will fucking fly and i don't know what's going to happen but i will just have to fly with it, now won't i? and i will be happy, like nothing new, and i will be sad.
didn't i say i'd do whatever it would take?
i'm not fucking kidding.

when it's right we go.
when we know better we do better.
and sometimes we're just not ready.
and i can't think of anything keeping me.

but we roll with the change.
and we stay home within our hearts.
and we move with the way.
i've known this.
i could show you my own fucking quote of myself but it's all been said and done so it doesn't matter.

but i feel good.
and the intensity, i'm inclined to apologize, has not gone away.

i have to be at the gym in seven hours.
goodnight, sweet world.