citrus

horoscope:
This is a perfect day to have discussions with close friends or
family members. Although there is no across-the-board agreement on
anything, the experience is stimulating. You may end up changing your
mind about something that you were absolutely sure of.

very strange.


i was talking to heather the other day and she expressed that she is feeling jaded, bitter. i encouraged her to let it go. i think most of the time that i'm all healed up and that i'm not bitter and that i still have hope...
and although it's true that i have hope... the bitterness i actually have, that i try to hide, that's burned me without conscious consent, affects everything i do.
i am so tired of it. skepticism and bitterness are not the same animal. i just don't think so.
this is just elaboration on an idea i was milling a couple days ago, but really.
i think about the trust i want to have in a lifetime partner, the way i've just thrown it out there before and how it's been shattered. i wonder why i would insult a person by making them earn my trust when they aren't responsible for my damage...
i will talk to the guy about it on tuesday.
why should anyone trust me if i can't be trusting reciprocally? and that's ultimately what i want, a relationship that cuts both ways. and i'm tired of feeling wasted from the other relationships underneath my intellectual acceptance that they got me to where i am.
it could be so simple. i don't mean easy by 'simple', but i just... want to cry all of a sudden. haha!

let go let go let go
and risk risk risk.
it makes SENSE, sure... it makes perfect SENSE.

patience, dear. just be patient.
and then be patient some more.
life will take care of you.

part of me just wants what i was back... but i know i'll be better, i know better.
but all this breaking of the shell that encloses [my] understanding is considerately killing me(tool, H).
(see, it's all already been said and done)



today.


i'm happy.
right now.


i rested well. five hours!
i'm still all "wow"

it really all merges into one moment, doesn't it.(?)
i may as well consider time my imagination...
merrily merrily merrily merrily ~ life is but a dream


i can be such a romantic sometimes. other times i feel like it's the wrong thing to do.
romanticism versus rationalization.
what did we decide?
oh, but see, what we talked about in the car - i won't take that risk because it's not my place to go farther than i have already in those regards... maybe it's old fashioned of me but i'm adamant where it's concerned.
but you are in the right position. once you have a better feel for what's going on, it's all on you, mister.
know what i'm sayin? ya dig?

~-~

i want to be sunshine
while he hangs the moon
(inspired by ... ~the first time, ever, that i saw your face~)
good music over the past couple days.
heard disintegration in jason's truck yesterday and he introduced me to thrill kill kult. listened to some johnny cash this morning...

mom's got the house looking barren.
the hall of pictures is packed up, the bookshelves are empty, boxes stacked against the walls and behind the table.
moving from a settlement is disorienting somehow. it's not that i mind the difference, it's more just recognizing it... not unnerving at all, it's actually more practice with awareness, watching things change.
over and over and over again in my life, watching settlements stirred.
she's upset with me that i don't help enough with house chores and caring for the dogs. i will be better about it.



back to the pants.


later today i will spend time manipulating lyrics by deb talan.
i love that cd (it already has scratches ), a bird flies out

calling a girlfriend in a time zone five hours behind you will result in half-awake crazy talk at eleven oclock in the morning. i should think before i do things more often.
end of story, i'll try her again in a few hours.



i so love to sew.
and cook. breakfast this morning was SPECIAL!

there's an amazing segment on 'la vida' this afternoon about the power of women in the mayan culture. apparently they recently excavated the tomb of some powerful queen.
i'd like to know more about that.
obviously the roles that women have played in different cultures is interesting to me.



i'm so glad i know it will be alright.
oooh, keeps me alive.
because it's not the music or the hope ...
it's the faith.
for real, though.
it's got me tight.


~-~

on another note, allison sent me this article and it's a little scary because i recognize the problem that sydney's had...
of course all the details aren't the same, but i certainly suffer from the "i'm not good enough" syndrome. which is really a conundrum for me because i am mostly okay with who i am, i don't blame anyone else for this issue, in fact, when people tell me it has to do with my childhood i think i'm old enough to recognize that and get over it thus making me responsible for the way the complex continues to affect me.
and intellectually i get it, i'm only human... i don't think it's fair that i hold other people to the high values, the inachievable standards that i hold myself to...
i just don't know what to do about it.
i do become afraid, perhaps that's part of my problem this last month or whatever is that fear that someone will find me out ... someone will discover that i'm not good enough.
but my concern for others isn't a facade, either.
i don't know. more good reasons why i'm seeing a psychologist.
but i have faith in myself to work it out, you know?
i really do think i'll be just fine - i'm not afraid to be real with myself, it's what i want... and i want you to be real with me.
we can't fix each other anyway. it's only love and encouragement to grow and more love and ... just... being friends, i guess, and wanting to be together.
why is that supposed to be so hard? why do people get divorced the way they do?
that's not what i want at all. i want to be with someone who's fucking strong enough, determined enough, stable with practicing their will and being responsible for themselves and their relationship with the world.
what's up with that?
it takes one to know one, i guess... i'll always want to be a better me, whether i ever think i'm 'good enough' or not. i mean, essentially i think i AM good enough because i can't be more than what i AM and the divine set me here this way, right?

rant rant rant.
bleh.

this'll be up soon.
weird.



ya know what...
thinking about that is not going to keep it being better.
he is going to do what he does and i have to just forgive him for the bullshit and get the fuck on with my bad self.
the last exchange was just that.
and i can't think about his wellbeing anymore... that's his job. like i told him, i have enough to deal with my own.

try try again.
leave it behind. you were final, you were kind. it is enough.
it was enough a year ago. let it be the past already.
crikey, woman. trust yourself.

trust yourself,
remember yourself,
know what you are,
it's the only way.


always coming home,
follow your heart