citrus

reading through a collection of national geographics.
it's really fucking rad.



if i'm up again so often throughout tonight as i was this one past,
i will encourage myself to do something more productive than just reading, or pacing, or standing, stretching, in the dark on my bedroom floor.
i'll avoid tip-toeing into the living room and maybe i'll just run a bath - scrub my feet, put on my sneakers and head over to the gym.
i thought about it for twenty minutes this morning when i was up again at four-thirty.
this is a good time to move in on that wish-washing i was doing weeks ago.


ten days and counting



we deserve to be treated well.
the man on the bike with palettas rode by ringing his bell, "princesa" in pretty letters across the side of his cart. the vanilla-rice ones are my favorite, after that pina-colada (my sister calls me that) and then strawberry - one dollar each.
but my way to treat me is better than your way to treat me. once i learn the best i guess.
catch - i cannot treat me the way you can. you cannot do unto you what i would do.

shake it.

a girlfriend reports that her him writes her love letters (good ones too). another tells me she's sending her travelling lover a collection of favorite shells, an opportunity to express her neuroses by packaging each one with a laminated notecard. associates are planning their weddings, graduating from school, buying swim-suits...
it is truly spring. it feels good. i love it when people i love are smiling.
and some of us are trying so hard.
it's good to feel good.

there's so much consolation for me from these people... oh, p, we're all just ordinary girls... oh, p, such a caustic idea... but that boy said so, four years ago, in a tex-mex restaurant while he smoothed his hair in the mirror behind me and i nodded and smirked at him, stirring salsa with a broken chip.
he said III was salty.
and, oh, what has happened since then.
the fear i feel makes me angry.
the anger i feel is frightening.

but i just don't think so. i don't think my ideas about this are skeptical and they're not even necessarily bitter, are they?,.
i continue to have faith - stop talking about it! (besides, i did it to myself... over and over again - i could've picked any of those people and settled and i'd be suzie-q the way we always thought i would be... and i could be miserable like some of the people i've seen take that route so HUSH!)
i don't believe that my standards are too high and these days i'm not particularly all about major compromise, either.
but having hopes up is kindof unreasonable, you know? i've done that already. don't expect for me, dears.
there is a difference between remaining positive and relying on the whisper to a star or the coin in a fountain.

i'm good in the now. i like my little routines and it's all i could've hoped for, really.
it's comfortable, it's safe, it's my own pace.
i guess it's not final, but it feels like "FINALLY!"
i'm happy watching it come and go, each moment.

amazing how i can say so much and none of it means a damn thing.
even my eyes have tried to hide
~'d best pray that i bleed real soon



al green
mmmmmmm
and that reminds me!
this is one of those summers that i wish i were made of money so i could see simon and garfunkel, the king and i, chicago with earth, wind, and fire, fleetwood mac, little shop of horrors, a perfect circle (which i have backed out of), phil collins, the symphony perform a midsummer night's dream, the cure on their curiosa gig, sarah mclachan, cirque du soleil,
the list is really endless... and most of it is just trivial desire, but MEMORIES, geesh.



~walkin' the tightrope

i feel so fucking determined.
it's all i can think about. i feel so distracted - keeping my eyes focused between where i am heading and what i am doing now is a fun coaster to ride.
i will be so much better.


set a goal and we will get there


:sigh:

it's alright.





"Have faith in the future. It belongs to you and it is getting ready now, to welcome you with open arms. Have faith in yourself. You belong to yourself and you deserve the very best you can give yourself! If something now seems wrong or awkward, ask yourself why you are allowing it to become such a dominating factor in your life? In what way are you clinging to a part of the past that you ought to leave behind? There's nothing but hope and happiness ahead of you. To get to it, just drop yesterday's redundant dream.
[...]
You're conscious of so many things. Some of them are beneath your dignity, and others are beyond your control. It's easy to lose yourself in such a busy world and it's no surprise if you wear yourself out. When you're suddenly unable to cope, getting some more rest and treating yourself very kindly may be the answer. Roll all calls over to voice mail, but pay attention to the seemingly random messages of your dreams. The answer you seek has been churning inside your brain all this time."



achey today.
ugh

it would be perfect to sit in the floor with blankets and drink tea and watch movies,
smoke up and be cloudy and gray like the sky is doing today.

but being here, in the office, doing my thing is just perfect, too.
all in the way.

i may have to take some motrin.
i hate it when that happens.


i despise office politics

payday!
(which means i get paid, and then i pay it out again)


~!
transcribed:

dear humanity,

i feel so ridiculous focusing on my little life so intently when there are obviously bigger issues at hand.

it's all very sad.

i'll take that back... not all of it is sad.
there really are good things and i feel close to them... so it's where i aim my focus - "just in case," i think.

i will make this good.
and i will enjoy it and love it while i have my little light to shine.

and if i never told you,
i love you.
i think you're a wonderful being and that your potential is great and i can hardly wait to see what amazing expressions come forth from your body.

let's work together?

i want you to know i love you,
just in case we get through this.



(of course it will all work out)


itiswhatitis




AAAAAH!
attack of hormonal paranoia!



so, i'm gonna get to sit with the door open and listen to it storm and smoke a teeny tiny bit of stuff and have candles lit, afterall.
that's what friends are for.