citrus

this one's a keeper for forever, yah?

another good reminder
(from january 2002)


~!

(now playing: the beatles; revolver )


...
whisper a voice into my breath



read me slowly.
a sentence,
a thought
(or two),
one at a time,
(or together)
slowly,
again
(understand?)


center


keep this up
yes, change -
roll with it, but stay home


~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~


what's new?
oh, nothing.
same old, same old
practicing scobberlotch and twiddling my thumbs;
spewing random ramblings and wallowing in rumination -
my ponderousness generally resting upon myself, this life, potential and kinetics.
i think of cause and effect, what is and will be, all that stuff.
' feels all too repetitive


sometimes life is just hard.
my mother has asked me often who ever told me that life was fair.
and maybe, since then, i've been in search of that something that would show me life as fair.
i'm nowhere near any actual conclusion, but i've so far decided that,
well, my secret.

my bits and pieces.
...

once upon a time i was disillusioned that fairness was perfection, that perfection was flawless, and that flawless meant smooth.
i was under an impression that thinking outside of the box i was born into and coloring outside the lines, in a range as broad a spectrum as I could imagine, distinquished me a mattoid

today, my focus seems narrowing into crosshairs and I push to pound out progress in an odd(yet still even) rhythm.
i'm trying to prime myself(perhaps, not completely sound, only growing)
still it's difficult.


and in all these years, i have acted as some sort of auxiliary personality(my mother has called me a follower; ) my efforts have been usually aimed to aid those i love first and foremost. although, of late, i feel my efforts should be ancillary to my own goals.
(but humble now, who's to judge my actual additions -
and regardless of where i think i help, who'd ever asked for me?
and I learn so much from walking with others
all in the way)


sometimes, i think i should give up,
the further i go in my own way, the more alone i will become on this path.
how dare i ask one to keep pace with me?
how dare i anticipate one whose stride speeds and slows in my time.
and more so, any group of them


days and days i pray for a life that we are allowed to live, unbound.
night after night i acquiesce on current standings and sleep on my ideas; i rise after the sun and play the game again.
morning wields hope and i crawl through my daily thinking that enough of this following will lead me into wide open spaces.


and no complaining...
useless


and as i sit here and drink of life,
water slides down the bottom of a cup revealing my eye like a nictitating membrane;
but it's merely a reflection,
look at me.
my mug shot... (hehe)


time ticks incessantly inside a manmade keeper(battery or none,) whose face spends a day bouncing shining flutters about my own manmade confinement -
and even its reflections are made possible by my own functions,
and those of a source greater than mine,...
and those of a source greater...





i wonder what is average and why are we reduced to that by rules and boundaries,
black and white?
i can be no wholly judge,
so good and evil become one,
and there is no right or wrong,
but neutral is no fun.



(i read a book once by kurt vonegut - perhaps only an excerpt - about equalization of mankind...
and how, should we attempt to really be equally capable, etc., we could only reduce ourselves to the least capable of us and every one would be completely insensitive(quite literally) and paraplegic.
perhaps the best we could do was be dead. ;op)


i can understand now why(or how,) when seeking certain aspects of serenity, one could feel apathy,
he could be pococurante((adj.; n.(?)).)


but I feel so naive.
how many times in my young life has my mother "told me so" ?
why i feel i must carve some new path, based on my judgement, i do not know
idonotknow
...ellipsis*...
(LOL)
and sometimes, i feel that perhaps i should concede to just living life and keeping my ideals inside myself,
because it doesn't even change anything but me
and i boil and i rant in macroverbumsciolistic rants in an attempt at grasping an essence of emotion and it feels futile,
i agree...


but it's never enough,
and we're all gonna die (define death, -truly.
so forget about it...


and go...


that way



.......


* http://www.webster.com/cgi-bin/dictionary

ellipsis - (2 marks or a mark (as ... or or --) indicating an omission (as of words) or a pause (hehe...)


(i apologize for the length)