Tonight I had a major disappointment. I have an acquaintance with whom I’ve been pursuing a friendship. Now granted, I get excited about new friends. I tend to put a lot of attention into them. I admit, I come on a little strong, but I always try to be respectful of the other person. Well, in this case, I created absolutely the wrong impression. Despite my having said — repeatedly — that I had no interest in anything beyond a friendship and that I totally respected this person’s marriage and monogamy, this person got it into their head that I was pursuing an amorous connection.
And that would have been understandable (as I said, I do come on a little strong). Unfortunately, the person felt they couldn’t address it with me directly, so they went through a mutual friend. A mutual friend who happens to be my ex-wife. And so I got a facebook message asking me not to pursue any sort of relationship – ” friendship or otherwise” – with said person.
As much as I want to be a bitch about this, I want to be honest about who I am and what I’m about. I am disappointed that I will be unable to be friends with this person, because I think they are pretty interesting. I am hurt that they assumed that I was being dishonest about wanting anything other than a friendship and that they feel uncomfortable wit my attention. I am angry that they chose to address the problem though an intermediary and that they chose an intermediary whose dynamic with me is already fraught with the peril of potential drama.
I also have spent a lot of time wondering if I need to stop being honest about who I am and what I’m about. I’m hyper-aware that people sometimes perceive me as creepy and intimidating. I know myself and my history and, for a variety of reasons, the “creepy” label can be applied to me. I don’t mean to be creepy. I try really hard not to be a douchebag. I don’t feel entitled to sex or attention. I just really, really like and respect and admire and appreciate women. I like to be around them. I like to interact with them. Yes, I like to have intimacy with them, but the form of that intimacy has been predominantly intellectual for the past several years.
I feel that I am consistently and repeatedly kept at arm’s length. I get it, I guess, but it’s hard and it hurts.
I’ve noticed it happening more often in the last several years, let’s say around the time of the separation leading to my divorce. It seems sometimes that I am no longer “safe” now that I’m single. And so what is desired? That I speak more quietly? That I feel more quietly? I just don’t know.
All this is a boon for the Inner Critic. On the one hand, it’s “evidence” that I am not worthy of love and acceptance and happiness. On the other hand, it’s “evidence” that I belong to the whiny class of self-entitled men of the “Wah! No one will touch my pee pee!” variety.
I know intellectually, that ultimately, I have no control over who likes me and who doesn’t; that whether this person is my friend or not doesn’t actually matter a great deal; that I am probably better off without that friendship; and that these feelings will pass (as all tings do). But right now, tonight, it’s hard and it hurts.