I think of myself as a high functioning depressed person. There are many days that I lack the inclination to get out of bed, yet very few days where I give in to that lack. There are just too many things to take care of: my job, my kid, my house, my animals, my family, my friends. Sometimes I feel I have entirely too many things on my plate. And yet I am grateful for the busyness, because when things slow down and I have “leisure time,” I am forced to face my depression.

I am haunted by the lack of goodness and compassion that I see in the world. So many people think only of themselves, not even bothering to extend each other common courtesy, much less kindness.I feel powerless in the face of such universal selfishness. My spiritual path tells me to be patient and forgiving with the world. It is a constant challenge. I am just so very sad for all of us.

That is the “big worry.” There are little worries as well.

Despite my best efforts, and my comfortable income, there never seems to be enough money. I live paycheck to paycheck and am often tapped out by the middle of the month (which is the case this month. Again). I worry that I will never has enough saving for my retirement, which though 20 years off, is closer than I ever hoped. I worry that my daughter (theoretically homeschooled) is not furthering her education in any way, save what the Internet has to offer. I worry for her to make her sensitive, artistic way in the world that is increasingly cruel and mean-spirited. I worry that I will not be able to lose the weight I need to lose for my health. I worry that I will be in insulin for the rest of my life.

And so I am grateful for the compulsion I have to TCB (take care of business). But the depression/despair makes being creative very difficult.