chi

i cant seem to get over it. a year has gone by and still small things will triger a memory. a object,look, smell. i still cant say it, even to myself with out thinking im insane. but if i believe it so much, is has to be true. or have i belived in it so much, ive made myself think its true?
i pull up old pictures. which in the end makes things worse. makes the memorys real. pictures he took for me. sent to me. with me in mind. he was smiling for me. now for someone else? someone else to make smile and giggle the way he once did for me.
i thought it was a match. fit so well, everything. perfect. its not that im havent given up on the dream. i have. its over. but it sickens me, litterally, that i get nauseated when i think back. its too real.
and still cry.
why do i still cry?
over someone.
a few months of my life.
...i miss so much.
what do i do now? continue with that i have persued. and maybe have achived? only to possibley find out its not what i want. i need to know. im not using. im not toying with anyone. i have true emotions, doesnt mean theyre not confused. i have to find out if im going to feel like this forever. god i hope not. and i hope that with all my soul. cause being this way is one of the worst feeling ive ever felt.