Finished 2 more exams from my Science corse. 2 more and im done. Then the next package gets sent out. God, why cant this all be done with already.... procrastination sucks.
Feeling a bit down again today. The night before last I started crying and being all girly and shit. Didnt even drink either. Little things are always making me think about the past, things that give me that feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and call just to tell something funny to a friend. Still thinking about what might have been, and if these messages I read are signs. But I honestly know, that arn't. Wishful thinking is getting the best of me and every day I feel more and more pathetic that I havent moved on completley yet. Im praying I not the only one, cause I dont want to be that girl. I just dont understand why its so hard to just forget. The heart chooses the most difficult and painful things to hold tightly onto, without even asking you.
The babys coming a about 2 1/2 weeks, and im pretty scared. I wasnt frightened about the 1st one, but for some reason, this one is getting to me. I worried. Worried that my friend wont be able to handle it all. Working fulltime 2 hours away, taking care of 2 kids, expecially if her bf doesnt shape up. Worried that she'll move away, closer to her dad. I know that will make things much easier for her and thats a great thing, but ive gotten so close to her in the past year that I dont want to loose that. She insists on me moving with her wherever she goes. But ive never lived away from home. On my own yes, but away from security, no. I know here...that I can always come back, that if something goes wrong I can get help to fix it...moving away...I wont be able to come back. Ive been told already when the possibilty came up in the past. I dont know, I crave the feeling if being on my own, being independent, and just fucking taking a chance in my life for once. But its always the what ifs that get me. But as Ive said before...if something happends, and she needed me...i'll be there with out a second thought.
It pisses me off that I can never feel really happy when im single. How sad is that??? I have once, and that was fucking great. For a year or so I was A-SEXUAL! heh, no, I couldnt reproduce by myself, but I was just so content with just being alone, and single and happy with where I was at in my life. Well, things have changed...and I dont know where the happiness went. Pretty damn shitty if you ask me. Childhood tramas have a nice way of fucking up your entire adult life. Gotta love 'em.
I hope I dont seem this crazy and mentally fucked in person. Which is why I sometimes deeply hope that no one I know in real life can read this. Except for one, who I know reads this since I got him his damn account in the first place...(and doesnt even use it anymore!
) but he already knows im fucked so that doesnt count. haha.
(oh...yeah and no offence to anyone...)
Damn it...Ive been trying to get to bed at a normal hour now so these bags under my eyes can go away. Just cant seem to make it happen.
-Chi
*edit* 8/13/04 I finished my Science! Yay me!! Now awating my next package...Math
Stupid math. Die you! Die!!
-Also....my friend might be getting induced instead of natrual um...labor I suppose? But yeah, babys big big big...mamas uncomfortable...stay tuned. The conclution will be heard next Thursday.
Feeling a bit down again today. The night before last I started crying and being all girly and shit. Didnt even drink either. Little things are always making me think about the past, things that give me that feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and call just to tell something funny to a friend. Still thinking about what might have been, and if these messages I read are signs. But I honestly know, that arn't. Wishful thinking is getting the best of me and every day I feel more and more pathetic that I havent moved on completley yet. Im praying I not the only one, cause I dont want to be that girl. I just dont understand why its so hard to just forget. The heart chooses the most difficult and painful things to hold tightly onto, without even asking you.
The babys coming a about 2 1/2 weeks, and im pretty scared. I wasnt frightened about the 1st one, but for some reason, this one is getting to me. I worried. Worried that my friend wont be able to handle it all. Working fulltime 2 hours away, taking care of 2 kids, expecially if her bf doesnt shape up. Worried that she'll move away, closer to her dad. I know that will make things much easier for her and thats a great thing, but ive gotten so close to her in the past year that I dont want to loose that. She insists on me moving with her wherever she goes. But ive never lived away from home. On my own yes, but away from security, no. I know here...that I can always come back, that if something goes wrong I can get help to fix it...moving away...I wont be able to come back. Ive been told already when the possibilty came up in the past. I dont know, I crave the feeling if being on my own, being independent, and just fucking taking a chance in my life for once. But its always the what ifs that get me. But as Ive said before...if something happends, and she needed me...i'll be there with out a second thought.
It pisses me off that I can never feel really happy when im single. How sad is that??? I have once, and that was fucking great. For a year or so I was A-SEXUAL! heh, no, I couldnt reproduce by myself, but I was just so content with just being alone, and single and happy with where I was at in my life. Well, things have changed...and I dont know where the happiness went. Pretty damn shitty if you ask me. Childhood tramas have a nice way of fucking up your entire adult life. Gotta love 'em.
I hope I dont seem this crazy and mentally fucked in person. Which is why I sometimes deeply hope that no one I know in real life can read this. Except for one, who I know reads this since I got him his damn account in the first place...(and doesnt even use it anymore!
) but he already knows im fucked so that doesnt count. haha.
(oh...yeah and no offence to anyone...)
Damn it...Ive been trying to get to bed at a normal hour now so these bags under my eyes can go away. Just cant seem to make it happen.
-Chi
*edit* 8/13/04 I finished my Science! Yay me!! Now awating my next package...Math
Stupid math. Die you! Die!!
-Also....my friend might be getting induced instead of natrual um...labor I suppose? But yeah, babys big big big...mamas uncomfortable...stay tuned. The conclution will be heard next Thursday.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
sorry to hear times aren't good, if it makes you feel any better i am also a member of "Club Fucked Up", a card carrying member since 81'