Okay, I know I JUST did a journal entry...but I need to vent, Badly...Dont worry about commenting either...just a venting time.
Ive been living my life like everying is fucking dandy. Smiling and laughing and telling everyone that Im fine. Im fully not though, im a complete mess...Im still all fucked up over this break up and Im just fed up.
I cant even cry anymore. I even try to cause I feel so bottle up, but nothing happends. Like im too numb to even cry? I dont know, but im making myself sick. I feel so pathetic still being to distraut over this...over a break-up...over something thats bound to happen, thats life, its something that comes along with it.
My friend told me the other day to remember how messed up I was over Erik and when we broke up...and that was after a year of an actual relationship and 5 years of on again-off again dating. Knowing that it would never be on again (he got married), fucked my up. But that was different...and yes, I know...I can say that now because Ive gotten over it blah blah blah...but it was. I knew Erik and I would never be anything more. We just wernt compatable, and it was way way too unhealthy...plus I wasnt truley happy.
With this one, I thought it would be different. I saw myself in the future with him, I couldnt see myself in the the future w/o him. And now...Its blank. I have no idea.
I freak myself out half the time, cause, well..I know it takes time so me still being sad is okay. But me still being THIS sad and still wishing and pondering...I dont know...I dont want to be that girl who just wont ago away. I mean, I dont contact him and beg him to take me back, or call him all the time, or even anything. Well okay, so I did the drunken phone call...but I didnt say anything relationship like. I was thinking about him and wanted to know how he was. E3 was coming up (this was last week) and I know he was working hard on the game blah blah blah....excuses, I know...
Ive been getting these weird feeling lately...like the butterlies you get when you know something bads going to happen. I get it when I know Im going to break up with someone. It never fails. So, I dont know why im getting it now. Im thinking im just remembering things and giving it to myself...if that makes any fucking since. Ah well...
Just sucks is all...I made a promise to myself that I wasnt going to get into another relationship because they ALWAYS end in heartbreak...and I told him that...but people talk and I believe and the heart starts making dissitions....then what happends...yup. Screwed in the end...
He made such an impact on my life that I dont want to let that go. I dont want to let go of the happiness that he gave me since I met him. Ive thought about just going back out there and looking for someone new. But I dont want anyone. Sure, people are cute and im attracted to them, but I dont really want to be with anyone else. Guess Im just not ready. I really miss cuddling with someone, and thought that if I went and hung with my friend that that might make me feel better. To just cuddle with someone, but...then I'll just get sad again because I cant cuddle with him. Im never one to go for rebounds.
Ive never felt this way before for anyone...during the relationship and even now. I feel empty like im missing something. Its shitty and weird and I truley dont like it. I want it to go away.
Time heals blah blah blah blah blah...... but man! does time take fucking long!
I wish my girls lived closer. Thats the only time I actually feel a bit better. They make me forget about the shitty things. And seeing my baby...and know were having another one! yay! But still..since they do live so far and I dont have a car YET....the middle down time sucks ass.
Ive been living my life like everying is fucking dandy. Smiling and laughing and telling everyone that Im fine. Im fully not though, im a complete mess...Im still all fucked up over this break up and Im just fed up.
I cant even cry anymore. I even try to cause I feel so bottle up, but nothing happends. Like im too numb to even cry? I dont know, but im making myself sick. I feel so pathetic still being to distraut over this...over a break-up...over something thats bound to happen, thats life, its something that comes along with it.
My friend told me the other day to remember how messed up I was over Erik and when we broke up...and that was after a year of an actual relationship and 5 years of on again-off again dating. Knowing that it would never be on again (he got married), fucked my up. But that was different...and yes, I know...I can say that now because Ive gotten over it blah blah blah...but it was. I knew Erik and I would never be anything more. We just wernt compatable, and it was way way too unhealthy...plus I wasnt truley happy.
With this one, I thought it would be different. I saw myself in the future with him, I couldnt see myself in the the future w/o him. And now...Its blank. I have no idea.
I freak myself out half the time, cause, well..I know it takes time so me still being sad is okay. But me still being THIS sad and still wishing and pondering...I dont know...I dont want to be that girl who just wont ago away. I mean, I dont contact him and beg him to take me back, or call him all the time, or even anything. Well okay, so I did the drunken phone call...but I didnt say anything relationship like. I was thinking about him and wanted to know how he was. E3 was coming up (this was last week) and I know he was working hard on the game blah blah blah....excuses, I know...
Ive been getting these weird feeling lately...like the butterlies you get when you know something bads going to happen. I get it when I know Im going to break up with someone. It never fails. So, I dont know why im getting it now. Im thinking im just remembering things and giving it to myself...if that makes any fucking since. Ah well...
Just sucks is all...I made a promise to myself that I wasnt going to get into another relationship because they ALWAYS end in heartbreak...and I told him that...but people talk and I believe and the heart starts making dissitions....then what happends...yup. Screwed in the end...
He made such an impact on my life that I dont want to let that go. I dont want to let go of the happiness that he gave me since I met him. Ive thought about just going back out there and looking for someone new. But I dont want anyone. Sure, people are cute and im attracted to them, but I dont really want to be with anyone else. Guess Im just not ready. I really miss cuddling with someone, and thought that if I went and hung with my friend that that might make me feel better. To just cuddle with someone, but...then I'll just get sad again because I cant cuddle with him. Im never one to go for rebounds.
Ive never felt this way before for anyone...during the relationship and even now. I feel empty like im missing something. Its shitty and weird and I truley dont like it. I want it to go away.
Time heals blah blah blah blah blah...... but man! does time take fucking long!
I wish my girls lived closer. Thats the only time I actually feel a bit better. They make me forget about the shitty things. And seeing my baby...and know were having another one! yay! But still..since they do live so far and I dont have a car YET....the middle down time sucks ass.
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maybe someday we can ride our bikes together and make car noises, to feel special