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cherrylou

Member Since 2002

Followers 2 Following 2

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Sunday Dec 08, 2002

Dec 8, 2002
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I'm fucking sick of everybody having me down as some sort of evil whore from the planet bitch! I am NOT a bad person. I have fucked up and done some silly things but that doesn't stop me being a good friend and girlfriend.

I am by no means perfect, and every day i make mistakes. However, so does everybody. People like to make judgements without knowing both sides of the story. If i have ever knowingly hurt a person through my actions i have apologised and done my best to right the wrong.

Sometimes i get confused, sometimes i want attention and go about getting it in silly ways. Sometimes i am a complete nightmare to live with, sometimes i hurt the people i love the most. Although i don't have excuses for any of this, i have reasons. I am slowly beginning to understand my flaws as a person and i'm trying to put the pieces back together. I don't want anybody's sympathy, just a bit of understanding every now and again.
Sometimes things happen and they stunt your growth as a person, they blind you. These things make you crave the approval of others because you feel like you were the person that did everything wrong and you feel like you must be the most disgusting creature on the planet. Sometimes i want to be told that i am beautiful because once upon a time somebody made me feel like i was unbearably ugly. Sometimes the people that i should turn to for approval aren't around, and stupidly, i look elsewhere. but that is all it is, my hideous quest to feel *normal* again. I know where my heart lies, and so does he.
For the first time in almost 7 years, i feel safe and far away from the one fucking person that nearly ruined my entire life. Suddenly, all these feelings i was trying to hold back hit me and it is so hard to deal with.
Sometimes, i don't think i understand love. I don't understand how anybody could love me or why they would want to. Sometimes i see how far i can push people before they give up on me like i have given up on myself. Sometimes, i want him to be right, because if he is right then everything will make sense and i won't have to try anymore. My destiny is made.
I want this to be over, i want to be a good girl, i want to behave and make people happy instead of inspiring hatred amongst those whom i wish to be friends with. I want to be a GOOD person. I want to be liked. I cannot exist by myself, i base my credability as a person on the actions of others. That is why i do silly things sometimes. When people are convinced that you are a bad person, it is sometimes easier to act like one rather than challenge the majority.
I wish i didn't have to say all this on here, but if i don't then i think i might explode.
Maybe next time i will just write a song about it
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
tara81:
*yahh* Your such a sweetheart CherryGrrrl!!

*still blushing*

bf loved your pix hehe..
Dec 8, 2002
cherry:
Awww... I'm sorry it sounds like your having a hard time. I know where you're coming from - in real life people thing of me as opinionated + outgoing, but it's far from the truth + when they expect it I just see it happening + totally regret it afterwards. I hope you're feeling better soon + thanks for the kind words on my journal smile

Cherry xx
Dec 8, 2002

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