chemicallylost

to Boddah pronounced
Speaking from the toungue of an experianced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile comlain-ee. this note should be pretty easy to understand. all the warnings from punk rock 101 courses over, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with indepedence and the embracement of the community has proven to be very true. i havent felt the excitement of listening to as well creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. i feel guilty beyond words about these things. For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the maniac roar of the crowd begins., it doesnt effect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, wh seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something i totally admired and envy. the fact is, I cant fool you, any of you. it simply isnt fair to you or me. The worst crime i can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if i'm having 100% fun. Sometimes i feel as if i should have a punch-in time clock before i walk on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it( and I do, God believe me i do, but its not enough). I appreciate the fact I and we have affected and entertianed a lot of poeple. i must be one of those narcissistswho only appreciates things when they are gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasums i once had as a child. On our last three tours, i have had a much better appreciation for all the poeple I've known personally, and as fans of our music but i still cant get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy i have for everyone. There's good in all of us and i think i simply love peole too much, so much it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little senstive unappreciative pisces Jesus man. why dont you enjoy it? I dont know! i have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy...and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. and that terrifies me to the point where i can barely function. I can't stand the thought of frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that i've become.

I have to good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, i've become hateful towards all humans in general. only because it seems so easy for poeple to get along that have empathy. Only because i feel sorry for peopletoo much i guess. Thank you all from the pit of burning nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of a errantic moody baby! i don't have the passion anymore, so remember, it's better to burn out than to
Fade away. peace love, empathy. Kurt Cobain