charitee

So.. there are some conversations that you just shouldn't have right before you go to bed.

I've always been someone that was pretty self conscious.. self esteem is not my strong point. I just fake it well..

I weighed myself today. BIG mistake. I'm gaining weight again. I only gain weight when something is wrong, but this time I can't point out what the 'wrong' is. I hate being this size.

I weighed 117 pounds when I was 19. I swear, the fucking old I get, the more my metabolism shuts down.

I'm not fat, but I could be. I see it.. I could be fat.

I'm from a family of people where 'fat' is a fate worse than death. I'm almost 30 and the last time I talked to my Dad he yelled at me about me weight. Not because he's ashamed but because he's had 3 heart attacks and a bipass and diabetes runs in my family. He worries... he has the best of intentions.

I'm ashamed of the way I look right now. That is NOT a good feeling.

What's worse is I'm impatient and don't want to do the diet thing because it takes too fucking long. Excersise is painful, (I have arthritis) and dieting sucks.. so then what? Pills? Puking? I don't fucking think so.. I may not be happy with the way I look but I do have some self respect.

I mean.. look at my last entry from today.. talking about fucking food.. I'm obsessed.. this is nuts.

I'm just frusterated. This isn't me. I get undressed in the dark now.

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Dinner was good! Hubby made me fajitas... can you say fajitas!

Now my tummy is full and I have after dinner coma going on..

Need a cigarette..

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It's hump day!

I came home early today to work from home, hoping to play in the sun, but alas the sun is still hiding.. yuck!

My oldest son had his last day of first grade today.. am I really old enough to have a kid going into second grade? Holy shit!

Work is over.. time for play!