cecelia

Have you ever had the kind of pain that isn't physical, but it rips you apart so bad, you just want to throw yourself on the floor and wriggle around while screaming in absolute hysterics, for lack of better way to express exactly how you feel?

Welcome to today.

I feel utterly helpless, dead to the world, not worth the crap that I crap, and completely lost. I'm hurt, and not in a way I've ever felt before. I want to run, but I haven't anywhere to go. I want to scream, but even that won't make it better. I want to rip something apart, but can't part with anything around me.

I should drink. I should drink until I completely pass out and then pray in my unconsciousness that I never wake up and that my pathetic excuse for an existance just floats away; no pain, no worries, no action. Just to put my arms out and float where no one can find me, hurt me, see me.

Hard to believe the "magic of Christmas" was only a few shorts days ago. A new year will be here in 2 days and I feel very contradicting about it; I don't feel like it will be any better than this year, yet how could it not be?

I've been living in a whirlwind of lies and I'm so stuck, I just can't get out of this kind of life. I'm stuck in an existance that dosn't work for me, and I want to start over, but can't put all of the pieces together to find where I belong.

When I get overwhelmed, I write...


I can't feel you anymore, we have broken in half
I still live in the past
Think of love another day
My cold dark thoughts, leave me feel empty and powerless
I could leave, but there is no place for me
I place my troubles behind me, but they run ahead
They cut me off
and I am lost again
Love doesn't come to the weak
I can't feel that love anymore
It's gone to another, and I hurt like you can't believe
I can't put you aside
I try to rest and I lay awake, tossing and wincing in pain
my dark clouds will someday part
and new love will mend the heart
but not today, why not today
Stand with me in my rain
feel the cold showers you cause and cry for me
loneliness, heartache, & shame
I've not been here before, and you care not still.


Yeah, I can be incredibly depressing, but thank God for journals and blogs or I'd never put any of my thoughts anywhere, besides expelling them in hard rolling drops of salt. Or taking out my aggressions with self mutilation in the form of body piercing. My nose is going impaled this weekend. Goddammit, because I can.

If nothing else came from the years I spent with my son's father, at the very least I thought he was always honest with me. And today I learned that his truthful honest person is not that at all. I have been so stupid. I've told myself he'd not chose another, for our family, but he spilled. He chose today. He's been sleeping with her and I knew all along, but his "honesty" convinced me otherwise. I've now heard it from him, and I've heard it from her; and my life, as I've known it is over and I can't easily pick up these pieces of my life and move on. I've been decived and I can't describe how the hurt tears me. I've never been intentionally hurt by another in this fashion and I'm not dealing very well. A happy holiday it is not, and somehow I knew it wouldn't be. Tonight I'm going to kiss my son and cuddle him, and put him to bed and try not to think of the harmful lie that created him. I will try to be happy for him, but only on the outside. My baby means everything to me, but my views of his father will never be the same. My family is gone, I am truly alone. What is a woman to do, I ask, what is a woman to do? New Years is coming. I need a new year, new life. I will be happy again someday.

Just not today.