I'm pms-y now and completely insane. I will regret this entry. I am usually not so self-loathing. Or at least I pretend not to be, because if I thought about it this much all the time, my eyes would turn to dust.
This is a reaction to the "Has Eliska started a trend" thread.
Desidia said "ew" at a size 14.
That got me thinking that truly, much of America says the same thing.
I am a size 24. And I fucking hate it. But think about fat people for a second. Don't you fucking think that if I COULD be a size 18, 12, 14, 8, 4, 2, 00 I WOULD!?!?!?
People feel sorry for drug addicts. Nobody feels sorry for fat people. Because it's all within our control. Eat right and exercise.
Well guess what? I eat too much. I hate exercize. But guess what again? I've done the eating right thing. I've done the exedrcise thing. I've don't the two hours a day at the gym, the starvation thing, the diets, the iso-whaever exercise machines, good ol' fashioned outdoor movement. It doesn't work for me.
I was not a skinny child, but I wasn't chubby. I got fat in the second grade when I let it slip that I didn't believe in God and was ostrasized by the weak minds that populated that fucking backwards town. Other kids picked on me about everything. And one day we were playing a game in class. Using the alphabet, we went around the room and replaced the first letter of everyone's name whith whatever letter came next in the alphabet. My name is Catlin. Guess who got the letter F?
So for the rest of the school year I was called "Fatlin". I wish every one of those motherfuckers would drop dead in front of their families right now.
So I was sad. And I got fatter. And soon I was the fatterst girl in most rooms. Not many of you know what that feels like.
The only time I ever had any luck losing weight was in my senior year in high school. I was suicidal and on Phen-Fen. I lost 60 lbs. Then they took it off the market and I ballooned up again.
Many days I would gladly accept a dangerously defective heart to be thin. At least my last days on earth would be spent with people staring for a different reason.
It's hard to give up an addiction to food. Harder than drugs. You NEED food to live. You don't NEED heroin or speed or coke. Tell an addict to moderate his or her addiction, because that's what it's like telling a food addict the same thing.
I don't make new friends becasue most people don't want to be seen talking to the fat girl. I spend most days eating because it feels good. I post those tricky pics on the Net because I like to pretend I'm not as fat as I am.
I can't stand having sex because I hate to look down and see my own body. I hate myself because I don't know why I can't drop a few fucking lbs. And the world hates me because I'm so fucking fat. Yes, I have a few good friends that are able to see that I am a great person. And I truly am. I love my friends, I like to help strangers, I usually feel ok about the Universe.
But every now and then some cockmonster comes along and reminds me exactly what the world thinks of me on first sight: fat, lazy, smelly and incompetent. (In real like the compliment that I get the most is how wonderful I smell.)
I know. "Who cares what people think??" Well, I do becasue I have to live in the world. I have to live among fucking people who think I'm disgusting for no other reason than I'm fat. People are so fucking mean and it's days like this that make me lose faith in myself and humanity.
I love Manko. She's so beautiful and it makes me feel so sad that under "thing that make me sad" she put "obese people eating in public."
I met Reagan once. She seemed cool. And then I read in her jornal about how she thinks fat people are "funny". Ouch. I wonder if she was grossed out shaking my hand.
Fuck you, world. FUCK YOU.
This is a reaction to the "Has Eliska started a trend" thread.
Desidia said "ew" at a size 14.
That got me thinking that truly, much of America says the same thing.
I am a size 24. And I fucking hate it. But think about fat people for a second. Don't you fucking think that if I COULD be a size 18, 12, 14, 8, 4, 2, 00 I WOULD!?!?!?
People feel sorry for drug addicts. Nobody feels sorry for fat people. Because it's all within our control. Eat right and exercise.
Well guess what? I eat too much. I hate exercize. But guess what again? I've done the eating right thing. I've done the exedrcise thing. I've don't the two hours a day at the gym, the starvation thing, the diets, the iso-whaever exercise machines, good ol' fashioned outdoor movement. It doesn't work for me.
I was not a skinny child, but I wasn't chubby. I got fat in the second grade when I let it slip that I didn't believe in God and was ostrasized by the weak minds that populated that fucking backwards town. Other kids picked on me about everything. And one day we were playing a game in class. Using the alphabet, we went around the room and replaced the first letter of everyone's name whith whatever letter came next in the alphabet. My name is Catlin. Guess who got the letter F?
So for the rest of the school year I was called "Fatlin". I wish every one of those motherfuckers would drop dead in front of their families right now.
So I was sad. And I got fatter. And soon I was the fatterst girl in most rooms. Not many of you know what that feels like.
The only time I ever had any luck losing weight was in my senior year in high school. I was suicidal and on Phen-Fen. I lost 60 lbs. Then they took it off the market and I ballooned up again.
Many days I would gladly accept a dangerously defective heart to be thin. At least my last days on earth would be spent with people staring for a different reason.
It's hard to give up an addiction to food. Harder than drugs. You NEED food to live. You don't NEED heroin or speed or coke. Tell an addict to moderate his or her addiction, because that's what it's like telling a food addict the same thing.
I don't make new friends becasue most people don't want to be seen talking to the fat girl. I spend most days eating because it feels good. I post those tricky pics on the Net because I like to pretend I'm not as fat as I am.
I can't stand having sex because I hate to look down and see my own body. I hate myself because I don't know why I can't drop a few fucking lbs. And the world hates me because I'm so fucking fat. Yes, I have a few good friends that are able to see that I am a great person. And I truly am. I love my friends, I like to help strangers, I usually feel ok about the Universe.
But every now and then some cockmonster comes along and reminds me exactly what the world thinks of me on first sight: fat, lazy, smelly and incompetent. (In real like the compliment that I get the most is how wonderful I smell.)
I know. "Who cares what people think??" Well, I do becasue I have to live in the world. I have to live among fucking people who think I'm disgusting for no other reason than I'm fat. People are so fucking mean and it's days like this that make me lose faith in myself and humanity.
I love Manko. She's so beautiful and it makes me feel so sad that under "thing that make me sad" she put "obese people eating in public."
I met Reagan once. She seemed cool. And then I read in her jornal about how she thinks fat people are "funny". Ouch. I wonder if she was grossed out shaking my hand.
Fuck you, world. FUCK YOU.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
I read the same thread you are talking about and people can be shallow. I am a size 28. I would love to be a size 14. But I am not. And you know what, screw them! I happen to have a Hubbybear who thinks I am pretty hot. I may not be a size 14, but I can use the sexy assets I have to be more beautiful.
Hang in there. Keep looking in that mirror every morning and tell yourself that you are hot. You are sexy. The more you believe it, the more others will believe it. Then soon, those who say "size 14..ew" wont mater to you anymore.
HUGS