If this is my midlife crisis I'm glad to be getting it over with but sad I'm only gonna live to be 52. 
I'm so disappointed with my lame ass tonight.
On average it takes me a year to get through a handwritten diary. I really like them, I like reading things from yesterday i don't remember writing and I like digging them out occasionally and remembering that I am less of an idiot today than I was yesterday. The diaries keep the secrets that I can't (or at least don't) jot down here at SG. You guys can't know how much of a freak I really am. Not that you could even imagine. But I digress.
I finished last year's journal tonight with an unceremonius final entry and the incredibly depressing realization that I did not accomplish a SINGLE resolution on my list for 05. In fact, regarding some of them, I have been the anti-resolution.
Goddammit. I feel like I totally wasted an entire year of my life. What the hell do I have to hold onto from this year? Not that there weren't a thousand enjoyable experiences, but to be honest I don't think anything happened this year that will turn into a dear and cherished memory or that was an earth-shattering, meaning-of-life moment. This year was a lot of hurry up and wait and grand ideas that went absolutely NOWHERE. This has left me with an ugly, black, sticky, corrosive feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I spend $9 a month to stare at pictures of gorgeous women who I aspire to allow to inspire me and instead I've done nothing but turn into more of a lumpy asocial recluse. That's so stupid. I crawl under the covers and come up with a last-minute ditch excuse when I'm about to head out the door for something that was supposed to be fun. How many awesome things have I missed because of that shit? I have titles for paintings that I refuse to start for fear of...what? wasting paint and canvas on a piece of crap, that's what. I am very quicly losing all confidence in myself as an artist, as a girl, as a human being. I'm not headed into a good place, that's for sure.
The word resolution has lost all meaning. It is no longer an absolute. It has become little more that half-hearted good intentions, a call to a rumble I'll puss out on, a catty threat to myself. So far my "resolutions" for the next yearhave been questions. Do you think you could...? Can you for once....?
I have no motivation, no self-discipline and the willpower of a hynea in a field a dead bunnies.
But never fear, I have a day to figure out that I can turn over a new leaf. That I can change my life and be the person I am inside my head and not a realization of the PUSA song "Lump". It can't be that hard.
It actually freaks me out when I have energy. To what may be a lazy day to most people ends up being a spectacular day of accomplishment for me which then entitles me to several days of uninterrupted R&R. That's fucked. I am THRILLED when I actually see a task to completion.
This terrifies me because in a month I am going to be a nanny keeping up with a 7 month old baby and possibly a very mischievious 3 year old grrl. How the FUCK am I supposed to keep up when I feel like this all the time!?
Perhaps it is just an endless diatribe for attention, which is SO DUMB. I'd get way more attention, POSITIVE attention, if I'd go out and be fun like I think I can. I need to get involved in stuff so that I actually have something interesting to talk about to people. Volunteering, art classes, dog walking, gyming, swimming, school, underwater basketweaving, film noir appreciation and wine tastings, poster making, learning bar tricks all over again, and get a decent haircut and my nails done. Find something I care about and do something.
Perhaps I'll go to Newport this weekend to the aquarium. I <3 sharks so much. I'd give a gazillion dollars to work at the Long Beach Aqaurium again. Too bad it's in Long Beach/L.A.
Well, I've bored my unlucky readers to tears so I'll end this senseless rant. Actually the last paragraph perked me up a little. And like I says, I got a day to figure my life out. Maybe the universe and I can work a deal or something. Though if you have advice or 2 cents or a creative way to tell me to shut the fuck up and pick myself up by the bootstraps, feel free. It's 2am. I'll be better in the morning. (?)
I'm so disappointed with my lame ass tonight.
On average it takes me a year to get through a handwritten diary. I really like them, I like reading things from yesterday i don't remember writing and I like digging them out occasionally and remembering that I am less of an idiot today than I was yesterday. The diaries keep the secrets that I can't (or at least don't) jot down here at SG. You guys can't know how much of a freak I really am. Not that you could even imagine. But I digress.
I finished last year's journal tonight with an unceremonius final entry and the incredibly depressing realization that I did not accomplish a SINGLE resolution on my list for 05. In fact, regarding some of them, I have been the anti-resolution.
Goddammit. I feel like I totally wasted an entire year of my life. What the hell do I have to hold onto from this year? Not that there weren't a thousand enjoyable experiences, but to be honest I don't think anything happened this year that will turn into a dear and cherished memory or that was an earth-shattering, meaning-of-life moment. This year was a lot of hurry up and wait and grand ideas that went absolutely NOWHERE. This has left me with an ugly, black, sticky, corrosive feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I spend $9 a month to stare at pictures of gorgeous women who I aspire to allow to inspire me and instead I've done nothing but turn into more of a lumpy asocial recluse. That's so stupid. I crawl under the covers and come up with a last-minute ditch excuse when I'm about to head out the door for something that was supposed to be fun. How many awesome things have I missed because of that shit? I have titles for paintings that I refuse to start for fear of...what? wasting paint and canvas on a piece of crap, that's what. I am very quicly losing all confidence in myself as an artist, as a girl, as a human being. I'm not headed into a good place, that's for sure.
The word resolution has lost all meaning. It is no longer an absolute. It has become little more that half-hearted good intentions, a call to a rumble I'll puss out on, a catty threat to myself. So far my "resolutions" for the next yearhave been questions. Do you think you could...? Can you for once....?
I have no motivation, no self-discipline and the willpower of a hynea in a field a dead bunnies.
But never fear, I have a day to figure out that I can turn over a new leaf. That I can change my life and be the person I am inside my head and not a realization of the PUSA song "Lump". It can't be that hard.
It actually freaks me out when I have energy. To what may be a lazy day to most people ends up being a spectacular day of accomplishment for me which then entitles me to several days of uninterrupted R&R. That's fucked. I am THRILLED when I actually see a task to completion.
This terrifies me because in a month I am going to be a nanny keeping up with a 7 month old baby and possibly a very mischievious 3 year old grrl. How the FUCK am I supposed to keep up when I feel like this all the time!?
Perhaps it is just an endless diatribe for attention, which is SO DUMB. I'd get way more attention, POSITIVE attention, if I'd go out and be fun like I think I can. I need to get involved in stuff so that I actually have something interesting to talk about to people. Volunteering, art classes, dog walking, gyming, swimming, school, underwater basketweaving, film noir appreciation and wine tastings, poster making, learning bar tricks all over again, and get a decent haircut and my nails done. Find something I care about and do something.
Perhaps I'll go to Newport this weekend to the aquarium. I <3 sharks so much. I'd give a gazillion dollars to work at the Long Beach Aqaurium again. Too bad it's in Long Beach/L.A.
Well, I've bored my unlucky readers to tears so I'll end this senseless rant. Actually the last paragraph perked me up a little. And like I says, I got a day to figure my life out. Maybe the universe and I can work a deal or something. Though if you have advice or 2 cents or a creative way to tell me to shut the fuck up and pick myself up by the bootstraps, feel free. It's 2am. I'll be better in the morning. (?)
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Wishing you and yours A Wonderful New Year!!!