cassy

merry xmas. honestly it was a really good one....as good as it could be for being apart, the next best thing is the last few nights have been amazing with josh. we've talked for hours on the phone, he's been his old self...we've chatted about everything and anything, reminisced about so many fun times, laughed, and i swear we talked or so many hrs last night i lost my voice
xmas has felt so shitty without him here. it's the first time i have EVER not had my own tree, not had any lights or decor, not sent out xmas cards....i mean i'm an xmas-a-holic. i was a total grinch the entire season, just wanted to get it over with to be honest. i didn't think i would enjoy it without him.
so last weekend i got a bug to make my grandma's homemade sugar cookies, and ice them with bex. it's kind of a family tradition that since my grandma passed about 13 years ago, we've continued, and my mom was being lazy, so i took matters into my own hands.
i'm really glad i did, because i had this FANTASTIC FRIEND who suggested i send my xmas in a box to josh, and that included grandma's cookies, made with love. and he loved them.
and it was just a part of it all.
even though i got such expensive gifts this year (i don't remember the last time i got so much actually)...it felt humbling. i feel that i'm changing, i'm learning and growing. i'm seeing things from a different perspective on my own. i'm stronger, hopefully smarter, most of the time WAY too sensitive, but the truth is i'm shifting. i sat there after all had been opened at my parents this morning, and actually felt content. i didn't feel like i got jipped, or i spent too much on others and it wasn't appreciated. i felt more than happy with the result of everything. i can't remember the last time i felt that was on xmas.
so the lesson is, that xmas isn't about all the gifts, and the banter, and the decorations, and the jazz. it's about being with those who love you and holding them in your heart when they are not. josh has been with me in so many ways during this xmastime, and every experience i've had that has made me think of him was a sweet and wonderful tribute to how much i love him. last night and tonight were total proof that we are still so much in love with each other......nobody can deny that. times are tough, there's a world outside of us that is spinning and there is turmoil and drama and other ppls bullshit, and the truth is, for these past 2 days, for xmas this year, it's been about us. i felt like everything else kind of shut down, and it was my mini haven from all the crap that normally ensues. it was a break from everyday life, everyday drama, family crap...because i knew come dinner time tonight, that we had a date...a time to talk and hang and open gifts and laugh, and love each other from afar, however that might look. im really truly greatful for the experience....it has been my sanctuary during all the other stuff going on in my life, and as usual helps to create that foundation for me, that support system that i have where love comes first.....honestly he does help me to love myself.

and that my friends is my little xmas rant love ya.