cassy

well here i am on a friday night all alone, waiting for josh to call me, sound familiar? yeah.
i worked late, got here, read a bit and now i think i might watch a movie or something.

damn i just want a cuddle.

last night was a bit of a hard evening for me, as we talked about serious stuff, and josh wasn't in the greatest of moods (headache) and i just really felt super alone. sometimes i feel that way. he's overworked and kinda taking it out on me, and bringing up old shit as to not feel bad about being away. it's like defense part 1.

yes i know i sent a stupid fucking picture to ben when i was in hawaii, and it doesn't mean EVERYTHING. i know you said you'd leave if i ever communicated with him again, and you had the right to go, and you have the right to not love me if that's what you want to do. you have the right to hate me, and never want to see me and whatever because i made a mistake. i lied and i went behind your back. i know i did it, and i regret it every day of my life.

i come home to be by myself, miserable here and honestly that's my penance everyday. i have to live my life regretting that i took our love for granted, and i didn't appreciate you when you were here, so that now my pain is that i have to see what it's like without you. how could i not have tears? how could i not feel like i wasted our time together. how can i ever prove that i'm forever changed. i guess it's just something i'll have to wait for. i guess it's a leap of faith that's easy to ask for, but not so easy to do.