Fear and Chainsaws in Bucks County
By Christopher Gonzo Walter
We were somewhere around Ambler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike when Jenn and Lucas starting beating each other mercilessly and poking each other in the face with toothpicks like some sort of demonic children.
Dont make me turn this car around, you bastards! I shouted while trying to keep the car in the left lane.
He started it, whined Jenn.
I did no such thing, complained Lucas, She was putting toothpicks in my Mohawk!
The trip to Valley of Fear and the Original Haunted Hayride at the Phoenix Sports Club on Bristol Road in Feasterville, where the three of us work in October, takes about thirty minutes, depending on traffic. But with these two in the car, it feels much longer. I have been working this Haunted Attraction for the past eleven years. Ive played everything from Freddy Kruger, to the Mad Hatter. I even played Captain Jack Sparrow in the pirate house for five years. Its a place that is fun for the whole family; they even organize a Special Olympics Night (where I once caused a Downs Syndrome Kid Stampede quite by accident) every year so that people with special needs can come out and enjoy Halloween type fun.
Tom Yaegle, the owner of Valley of Fear, has all the personality of dry clay when he speaks, but is all around a good guy and quite a businessman. Terry McKendry, his daughter, runs the show with an iron fist wrapped in velvet. She is sarcastic and bitterly evil, but we wouldnt have her any other way. Its part of her charm, you see. She loves us haunters dearly but would rather swallow thumbtacks and crap ninja stars than admit it to us. Rob Dovan is the Mad Scientist behind set design and the overall feel of the Haunted Attractions (the Original Haunted Hayride, The Zombie Research Center [ZRC], One Eyed Willies Shipwreck Cove, and Scary Tales) while Meghan Starr and Ally McKessy handle and design the costumes. Diana Deissler, Erika MacGuire, and about four other people (including Rob Dovan) handle the makeup to make us actors look super scary, though some, like my friend Dan McKeaney, dont really need it as they look scary enough without airbrush and facial appliances (prosthetics).
Jenn, Lucas and I finally get to work in one piece while the sounds of Marilyn Mansons cover of the song This is Halloween emanate from the windows of my car. Lucas, stop poking Jenn with my cane, I shout as we walk up the hill to get our makeup done, I still need to use it to break tea cups and poke people with tonight, At this point Ive already drank a pot of coffee and chugged two very large energy drinks. Why not? Playing the Mad Hatter takes a lot of hyperactivity to help me recreate the effects of Mercury Poisoning, the reason that people who made hats long ago went bat shit crazy, and it is considerably safer than ingesting Mercury to play the part accurately. Jenn plays an undead Gretel in Scary Tales and Lucas, that maniac bastard, wields a chainsaw.
I need spray on blood to put on a smiley face mask, says Lucas. I miss the days when you used to spit blood on people, Logibutt, Jenn says to me. Logibutt is her nickname for me, and yes, I used to spit blood at people. This was done whenever an actor had a neck wound. Before some genius decided it was a good idea to put fake blood in a spray bottle I would recreate the effect of a severed artery or vein by putting Cinema Secrets FX blood in my mouth, mixing it with a bit of water by swishing it about in my mouth and spraying it up the side of peoples faces from their necks. Or if the person was playing a zombie or vampire, they would get a blast of blood right to the mouth, effectively covering their faces in splattered gore.
Johnny 13, the co-host of Roxsy Tylers Carnival of Horrors, a horror hosting show in the vein of Elvira, works as the Ring Master in the Carn-Evil on the Hayride Trail. He, Christian Bucket-Boy Levens, Diana Deisseler, Metal Lou and Tim Uncle Touchy McCall are all creepy bastards who can work a crowd like nothing Ive ever seen. I swear the only way they could top what they do is if they had Bucket-Boy and Uncle Touchy juggle wolverines. Other haunts on the trail are: Camp Crystal Lake where a Giant named Justin slaughters camp counselors as the slasher film icon Jason Voorhees, Leatherface of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, Philadelphia State Hospital, a zombie infested graveyard and Freakshow, where fire breathers and fire jugglers like Chuck Maher dazzle the crowds with pyrotechnic delights.
It was soon time for me to get made up as the Mad Hatter. This requires a lot of patience. First, I have to be clean shaven; nothing stings more than trying to pull a prosthetic off of hair. Rob starts by applying spirit gum to my face; this is an adhesive that holds the prosthetic in place. It smells like a drunken wet dog and stings a bit if youve shaved in the last couple hours. After the spirit gum gets tacky Rob will then put the prosthetic on my face. The prosthetics we use are made of foam latex; this gives them an amazing range of movement to mimic ones facial expressions. After my face is firmly secured Rob air brushes my face white and shades it with magenta. He then uses Magenta cream makeup to do my eyes and lips. The finished product looks like this:
After the makeup and costumes are on its time to head to our haunts. As Jenn and I walk to our places in Scary Tales we pass by the Haunted Houses. I know nothing of the ZRC, as I havent had the pleasure of being able to see it. Its a new attraction this season that I have heard good things about. One Eyed Willies Shipwreck Cove (Pirates for short) is something to behold. From the front you can see a wrecked Pirate Ship, its mast flying a ratty flag and illuminated by eerie light. You can hear the wood creaking from outside. Inside they have a jungle room, dark hallways filled with Critter Crunch (which make it feel and sound like youre trodding upon massive amounts insects and other nasty things, a pond in which you get a light splash from walking past as cannons from the ship unload into the water, and FINALLY you get to enter the ship itself through the galley where they have Kraken legs dangling from the ceiling.
Scary Tales, the Haunted Walk, greets you with a doorway upon which is perched an animatronic figure that reminds me of Puck from Shakespeares A Midsummer Nights Dream. Puck reads you a poem, laughs derisively at you and the doors open. You enter Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West cackles with delight at the thought of getting you all in good time. From there you are transported to a Tea Party in Wonderland, where the Red Queen, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Alice and the White Rabbit greet you before the Mad Hatter walks across the table smashing tea cups and kicking tea pots at the unsuspecting crowd and measures their heads (Youve got a head like a potato!). From there you enter into a goblin infested graveyard, find yourself face to face with a mauled Red Riding Hood, Muffin Man, Gretel and Big Bad Wolf.
On a busy night, Valley of Fear receives thousands of patrons. This is exhausting. Even hopped up on caffeine, I find it difficult to keep up. Most of us lose our voices by the end of the night, end up with some sort of injury and barely make it to our cars without collapsing.
I need a fucking beer is the most common phrase heard after work Thursday through Saturday. You may be wondering, If its so exhausting and causes so much physical strain, why do it at all? Is it that were all just creepy bastards who love scaring people into soiling themselves (and yes, that DOES happen)? Is it just that we need extra money? It could be any number of reasons, to tell the truth, and those reasons can change from day to day. For me, I do it because I have a need to entertain people. If I cant scare you I can at least make you laugh, and Id be an idiot as an actor to turn down the opportunity to play some of the characters I am given at this place.
Sweet angry Jesus, my legs hurt from jumping on and off of that table, I say to Lucas and Jenn, my partners in crime, as we leave for the night. Lucas, in barely a whisper, says in his now froggy almost gone voice, God, I love making people cry on the wagons. Jenn, struggling to stay awake and covered with blood, says, I swear I made a guy shit his pants tonight. We gather into my car, the fog so thick in the area I can barely see in front of me as we drive towards home. Jenn giggles almost innocently, and it makes me worry for my safety. I just farted on your car seat, Logibutt, she says as she throws an empty energy drink can at Lucas head. GODDAMMIT, WOMAN, shrieks Lucas as he takes my cane and begins beating her with it.
You bastards!! Dont make me stop this car and urinate on the both of you! is all that can be heard coming from my car as we speed away into the night and get rested for a repeat performance the next day.
By Christopher Gonzo Walter
We were somewhere around Ambler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike when Jenn and Lucas starting beating each other mercilessly and poking each other in the face with toothpicks like some sort of demonic children.
Dont make me turn this car around, you bastards! I shouted while trying to keep the car in the left lane.
He started it, whined Jenn.
I did no such thing, complained Lucas, She was putting toothpicks in my Mohawk!
The trip to Valley of Fear and the Original Haunted Hayride at the Phoenix Sports Club on Bristol Road in Feasterville, where the three of us work in October, takes about thirty minutes, depending on traffic. But with these two in the car, it feels much longer. I have been working this Haunted Attraction for the past eleven years. Ive played everything from Freddy Kruger, to the Mad Hatter. I even played Captain Jack Sparrow in the pirate house for five years. Its a place that is fun for the whole family; they even organize a Special Olympics Night (where I once caused a Downs Syndrome Kid Stampede quite by accident) every year so that people with special needs can come out and enjoy Halloween type fun.
Tom Yaegle, the owner of Valley of Fear, has all the personality of dry clay when he speaks, but is all around a good guy and quite a businessman. Terry McKendry, his daughter, runs the show with an iron fist wrapped in velvet. She is sarcastic and bitterly evil, but we wouldnt have her any other way. Its part of her charm, you see. She loves us haunters dearly but would rather swallow thumbtacks and crap ninja stars than admit it to us. Rob Dovan is the Mad Scientist behind set design and the overall feel of the Haunted Attractions (the Original Haunted Hayride, The Zombie Research Center [ZRC], One Eyed Willies Shipwreck Cove, and Scary Tales) while Meghan Starr and Ally McKessy handle and design the costumes. Diana Deissler, Erika MacGuire, and about four other people (including Rob Dovan) handle the makeup to make us actors look super scary, though some, like my friend Dan McKeaney, dont really need it as they look scary enough without airbrush and facial appliances (prosthetics).
Jenn, Lucas and I finally get to work in one piece while the sounds of Marilyn Mansons cover of the song This is Halloween emanate from the windows of my car. Lucas, stop poking Jenn with my cane, I shout as we walk up the hill to get our makeup done, I still need to use it to break tea cups and poke people with tonight, At this point Ive already drank a pot of coffee and chugged two very large energy drinks. Why not? Playing the Mad Hatter takes a lot of hyperactivity to help me recreate the effects of Mercury Poisoning, the reason that people who made hats long ago went bat shit crazy, and it is considerably safer than ingesting Mercury to play the part accurately. Jenn plays an undead Gretel in Scary Tales and Lucas, that maniac bastard, wields a chainsaw.
I need spray on blood to put on a smiley face mask, says Lucas. I miss the days when you used to spit blood on people, Logibutt, Jenn says to me. Logibutt is her nickname for me, and yes, I used to spit blood at people. This was done whenever an actor had a neck wound. Before some genius decided it was a good idea to put fake blood in a spray bottle I would recreate the effect of a severed artery or vein by putting Cinema Secrets FX blood in my mouth, mixing it with a bit of water by swishing it about in my mouth and spraying it up the side of peoples faces from their necks. Or if the person was playing a zombie or vampire, they would get a blast of blood right to the mouth, effectively covering their faces in splattered gore.
Johnny 13, the co-host of Roxsy Tylers Carnival of Horrors, a horror hosting show in the vein of Elvira, works as the Ring Master in the Carn-Evil on the Hayride Trail. He, Christian Bucket-Boy Levens, Diana Deisseler, Metal Lou and Tim Uncle Touchy McCall are all creepy bastards who can work a crowd like nothing Ive ever seen. I swear the only way they could top what they do is if they had Bucket-Boy and Uncle Touchy juggle wolverines. Other haunts on the trail are: Camp Crystal Lake where a Giant named Justin slaughters camp counselors as the slasher film icon Jason Voorhees, Leatherface of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, Philadelphia State Hospital, a zombie infested graveyard and Freakshow, where fire breathers and fire jugglers like Chuck Maher dazzle the crowds with pyrotechnic delights.
It was soon time for me to get made up as the Mad Hatter. This requires a lot of patience. First, I have to be clean shaven; nothing stings more than trying to pull a prosthetic off of hair. Rob starts by applying spirit gum to my face; this is an adhesive that holds the prosthetic in place. It smells like a drunken wet dog and stings a bit if youve shaved in the last couple hours. After the spirit gum gets tacky Rob will then put the prosthetic on my face. The prosthetics we use are made of foam latex; this gives them an amazing range of movement to mimic ones facial expressions. After my face is firmly secured Rob air brushes my face white and shades it with magenta. He then uses Magenta cream makeup to do my eyes and lips. The finished product looks like this:
After the makeup and costumes are on its time to head to our haunts. As Jenn and I walk to our places in Scary Tales we pass by the Haunted Houses. I know nothing of the ZRC, as I havent had the pleasure of being able to see it. Its a new attraction this season that I have heard good things about. One Eyed Willies Shipwreck Cove (Pirates for short) is something to behold. From the front you can see a wrecked Pirate Ship, its mast flying a ratty flag and illuminated by eerie light. You can hear the wood creaking from outside. Inside they have a jungle room, dark hallways filled with Critter Crunch (which make it feel and sound like youre trodding upon massive amounts insects and other nasty things, a pond in which you get a light splash from walking past as cannons from the ship unload into the water, and FINALLY you get to enter the ship itself through the galley where they have Kraken legs dangling from the ceiling.
Scary Tales, the Haunted Walk, greets you with a doorway upon which is perched an animatronic figure that reminds me of Puck from Shakespeares A Midsummer Nights Dream. Puck reads you a poem, laughs derisively at you and the doors open. You enter Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West cackles with delight at the thought of getting you all in good time. From there you are transported to a Tea Party in Wonderland, where the Red Queen, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Alice and the White Rabbit greet you before the Mad Hatter walks across the table smashing tea cups and kicking tea pots at the unsuspecting crowd and measures their heads (Youve got a head like a potato!). From there you enter into a goblin infested graveyard, find yourself face to face with a mauled Red Riding Hood, Muffin Man, Gretel and Big Bad Wolf.
On a busy night, Valley of Fear receives thousands of patrons. This is exhausting. Even hopped up on caffeine, I find it difficult to keep up. Most of us lose our voices by the end of the night, end up with some sort of injury and barely make it to our cars without collapsing.
I need a fucking beer is the most common phrase heard after work Thursday through Saturday. You may be wondering, If its so exhausting and causes so much physical strain, why do it at all? Is it that were all just creepy bastards who love scaring people into soiling themselves (and yes, that DOES happen)? Is it just that we need extra money? It could be any number of reasons, to tell the truth, and those reasons can change from day to day. For me, I do it because I have a need to entertain people. If I cant scare you I can at least make you laugh, and Id be an idiot as an actor to turn down the opportunity to play some of the characters I am given at this place.
Sweet angry Jesus, my legs hurt from jumping on and off of that table, I say to Lucas and Jenn, my partners in crime, as we leave for the night. Lucas, in barely a whisper, says in his now froggy almost gone voice, God, I love making people cry on the wagons. Jenn, struggling to stay awake and covered with blood, says, I swear I made a guy shit his pants tonight. We gather into my car, the fog so thick in the area I can barely see in front of me as we drive towards home. Jenn giggles almost innocently, and it makes me worry for my safety. I just farted on your car seat, Logibutt, she says as she throws an empty energy drink can at Lucas head. GODDAMMIT, WOMAN, shrieks Lucas as he takes my cane and begins beating her with it.
You bastards!! Dont make me stop this car and urinate on the both of you! is all that can be heard coming from my car as we speed away into the night and get rested for a repeat performance the next day.