cancersticker

so no dice on resuming therapy, I stopped drinking though, which is probably a good thing, over 48 hours with no liquor and I haven't gone berserk and killed anything, I think that's a pretty good start... granted I'm chainsmoking, but there's worse things I guess... like drowning myself in whiskey.

I realized today that I'd really started living my life to the fullest extent of disassociation and anti-social behavior, but the scary thing is that it bothers me a lot less than it should. What I really need to do is stop needing other people to be happy, I think that's a lot of what my problem is. I don't give my own wants and merits enough attention, few as they may be... I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing wrong, but drinking myself to death isn't going to take me forward here, even though it does sound like a pretty fucking good idea...

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just felt like complaining but don't have anyone who wants to hear it. I'm very thankful for the people who have been supportive of me though this meltdown, but they need a break from my self loathing.

I hate being such a socially incompetent jerk.