depression is coming back. the past days were really awful to me. not that I was planning to kill myself or anything (I won't , I am too afraid, despite the pain and the thoughts), but I am tired.
tired of feeling bad, tired of crying and tired of doing nothing good.
sometimes I just don't know what to do with my life.
I keep wondering, what did I ever make on this life? My college didn't gave me a career (i'm graduated in fashion), my make up skills are not sufficient for me to get any paid jobs, I feel like a disgrace to my family because they all have jobs and such and I am here, stucked on a dream that I don't even know what it is. I have plans for a business, but no money to invest. let's say it will be the last try, but even sometimes I get bad and think about giving up.
the depression and anxiety hurts. hurts so much that I can't focus on anything. I can't watch shitty programs on the tv or even watch a movie. I basically spend my whole days looking for stupid shitposts on facebook or playing silly games on mobile. The deepest games that I loved so much, I can't focus and can't go through them, and I try - a lot. My room is a mess, I can't seem to find the energy to organize my own clothes. I am stuck. Even here, I used to write a lot about funny subjects or even things in life, but I don't seem to make it anymore, my head is a mess.
Then, I keep remembering all the shit I've been through this year. Deception, friends that were just interested in what I could give them, the whole money I had spent and, because of that, a lot of debts that I got. I am at bankrupcy and can't even think about a way of getting myself out of it. Then again, people (that doesn't know me) talking bad things about me, and let me tell you, most of them girls from here. I just try to live on with my life, don't need any more fake friends/relationships.
Last one was the loss of my job. It was a shitty job, but at least I was getting better, I was feeling useful for something. And then I had to quit because of the harassment I got from there. And ended with even less money, because I lent money to people there and, of course, they won't pay me back. I always do that, I trust people and I fuck myself, because I can't charge them, I feel guilty (that's one of my flaws).
And, to make this story short, I feel horrible. My hair it isn't what I was planning to, it is rebelling against me, and I feel ugly. I keep coming here to see my older sets to try to feel pretty again, but it is just images, and memories of times that I was feeling good with myself. I look at my body right now and can't think of beauty. I want to shave my head again, I just don't care anymore. but friends keep asking me not to do it. I need to, to clean out all of the bad things I am feeling right now. And I will, soon.
I am barely at the hopefuls snapchat this week, and for that I am sorry @rambo @missy
I am trying, but it's really hard, don't want to show myself in this situation, or I will probably lose more followers instead of earning some. But I will try to get a little better still this week. Please don't gave up on me!
sorry, no pics today, just needed to throw it up.
